Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How many coworkers have to ask you "what's that pee smell" before you have to admit you're wearing a new cologne?

   elevated to the point of reversing gravity

   wonders if Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

   Now the movie Titanic is available on 3D...Maybe now they'll be able to see the icebergs

   Never let your mouth be Broadband when your brain's on Dial Up.

   Someone accused me of cheating at board games. I pretty sure they were just jealous I could win a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.

   I asked the hotel receptionist for a wake up call. She told me "Trump lost, Joe Biden is now your president".

   Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I still have 4 1/2 hours of work left.

   it happy impeachment or merry impeachment? I don't want to offend anyone.

   Dog food is just regular food that you dropped on the floor

   So when do we start "winning" so much that we "get sick of winning"?

   How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? Look for The Fresh Prints.

   Balloons are so weird. It's like, "Happy Birthday! Here's a plastic bag full of my breath.... enjoy."

   If Americans are going to start complaining about their dwindling water supply because they can't keep their golf courses and their hollywoods watered they should start by extracting it from their BEER

   “911, What’s your emergency?” I… I shot him “Shot who sir?” He said the Beatles suck “Is he alive?” Yes “Try holding a pillow over his face”

   You don't need a Corvette when you have a big pen*s

   Merry Winter Solstice....sugar coat it all you want with your own personal ignorance

   says if people are scared of the number 13, why are we not scared of BoB, he has 2 scrunched up 13s in his name.

   I think I drink too much... my liver is so shriveled, black and dead, if you put your ear up to it you can hear Gary Coleman.

   Just pulled out!...........Yep, I decided to pull out of the 2012 presidential race. Sorry america.