Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So when do we start "winning" so much that we "get sick of winning"?

   How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? Look for The Fresh Prints.

   Balloons are so weird. It's like, "Happy Birthday! Here's a plastic bag full of my breath.... enjoy."

   If Americans are going to start complaining about their dwindling water supply because they can't keep their golf courses and their hollywoods watered they should start by extracting it from their BEER

   “911, What’s your emergency?” I… I shot him “Shot who sir?” He said the Beatles suck “Is he alive?” Yes “Try holding a pillow over his face”

   You don't need a Corvette when you have a big pen*s

   Merry Winter Solstice....sugar coat it all you want with your own personal ignorance

   says if people are scared of the number 13, why are we not scared of BoB, he has 2 scrunched up 13s in his name.

   I think I drink too much... my liver is so shriveled, black and dead, if you put your ear up to it you can hear Gary Coleman.

   Just pulled out!...........Yep, I decided to pull out of the 2012 presidential race. Sorry america.

   Ladies: If your boyfriend is bathing more than once a week...he may be cheating on you!

   Michael Vick is gonna DAWG the Redskins.

   watching football its like watching monkeys chasing a banana

   Labor Day started so we all could get unbeatable prices on mattresses.

   My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.

   First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.

   You piss on someone’s couch one time, and they never let you forget

   MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME

   I don't care what we have for Christmas dinner as long as it's lasagna.

   first he Cheats on his wife than he cheats in Golf!!!! Dam You tiger Woods!! lolol