Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   WTF?!? some homeless guy just dropped a stink pickle on the sidewalk in broad daylight, in the center of downtown.... Wow... Gotta love portland

   have you ever noticed that "lol" looks like some guy frantically waving his hands in the air?

   Gun control? We need bullet control! I think every bullet should cost 5,000 dollars. Because if a bullet cost five thousand dollar, we wouldn't have any innocent bystanders.

   had fun going to a Target store with a red shirt on the other day. And no, I did not have to do clean up on Aisle Eleven !

   wonders if vampires feed on diabetics when they feel like having candy!

   I never get mad enough to punch a hole in the wall, but my pillow, different story.

   ..thinks some people here have the mentality of a retarded turtle. But it's nice to see that monkeys can actually type these days. I knew that £2 a month I was donating towards the RSPCA would come to some good. Keyboard monkeys. Who'da thunk it?

   wants to pull over a police car, flash a badge & say "Fu**" Y*U for once.

   Today, I saw a commercial for the Snuggie. I thought it was stupid idea, but I couldn't change the channel because I was under a blanket and I didn't want my arms to get cold…

   My life would be so much better if I was dead.

   How can someone support anyone who ONLY supports the far-right?

   If sex between 3 people is called 3some, between two people is called twosome. why is Handsome still a compliment?

   on the limits of not going so well

   A$$ WHOOPING: Used by parents to discipline insolent children, performed by hitting the child's buttocks or other areas of the body forcefully several times. Usually performed with a hand or other object such as a belt, spatula, or nine-iron golf club!!!!

   Don't forget to thank the Moms too for putting up with the Fathers all along, cause without them their wouldn't be any Dads!!

   I tell women that I invented the phrase "LOL." It gets me so much ass.

   Congrats to Nikki Manaj on her latest s hit song!!

   Just reported Mr. Steinbenner will be broadcasting a ESPN special tonight at 9 pm eastern to decide if he will go to Heaven or Hell.

   But it's a Stress Ball, I thought I was suppose to throw it at who, or whatever was stressing me out . .when I seen the blue and red lights flashing, and that loud siren. . . .wait, wha? How am I suppose throw it with hand-cuffs.

   [Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper] "Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?"