Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My life would be so much better if I was dead.

   How can someone support anyone who ONLY supports the far-right?

   If sex between 3 people is called 3some, between two people is called twosome. why is Handsome still a compliment?

   on the limits of not going so well

   A$$ WHOOPING: Used by parents to discipline insolent children, performed by hitting the child's buttocks or other areas of the body forcefully several times. Usually performed with a hand or other object such as a belt, spatula, or nine-iron golf club!!!!

   Don't forget to thank the Moms too for putting up with the Fathers all along, cause without them their wouldn't be any Dads!!

   I tell women that I invented the phrase "LOL." It gets me so much ass.

   Congrats to Nikki Manaj on her latest s hit song!!

   Just reported Mr. Steinbenner will be broadcasting a ESPN special tonight at 9 pm eastern to decide if he will go to Heaven or Hell.

   But it's a Stress Ball, I thought I was suppose to throw it at who, or whatever was stressing me out . .when I seen the blue and red lights flashing, and that loud siren. . . .wait, wha? How am I suppose throw it with hand-cuffs.

   [Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper] "Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?"

   Did some cleaning early this morning...went out and ran the vacuum over the driveway just to ensure my neighbors never talk to me....

   They should have gone with the original Superbowl halftime show plan with Melania dancing on the pole. She's a better and experienced pole dancer than the Weeknd as a singer.

   So you're telling me that when a baby crawls across the floor for its bottle it's cute, but when I do it I need an intervention?

   A blind Indian girl wanted me to touch her clothes to see how soft they were. I felt sari for her.

   I found a 129.00 Kylie Minogue concert ticket nailed to a tree, so I took it. You never know when you might need a nail.

   If you read your timeline backwards it is about a person who hates everything and gradually becomes happier until they get a life.

   I’m having an out of money experience.

   So if Jesus came down from heaven, do you think the Ghostbuster's Proton Packs would work on him?

   Hey Obama! Swedish called, they want their Nobel Peace Prize back!!