Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

   A Bachelor is one who never chases a woman he couldn't outrun.

   so for you Toyota drivers.... if you get pulled over for speeding all you have to say to the officer.... Have you watched the news lately?

   What the Health Care Reform really means: OLD PEOPLE MAGAZINES IN THE DOCTORS OFFICE -- This can't be good!

   "You want the booth?!? You can't handle the booth!" Jack Nicholson working at Perkins

   I love burritos at four a.m. Parties that never end. I love quarterbacks eating dirt Pom-poms and short skirts And...and twins!"

   I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.

   This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.

   Enjoy your last Independence Day before it's renamed Trump Day.

   I'm gonna build a fence, how do I get my neighbors to pay for it? Asking for a friend

   ME: *putting two and two together* yep. it’s definitely four

   The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.

   If you say "holiyay" in front of me I'll stab you in the heart.

   SNL just call me and asked me, If I want to play a character on the show. Apparently they are running out of characters to make fun of in Trump's cabinet

   TGIF- Thank God I'm female.

   Things a pedophiles might say: On a scale of 1-10.... how old are you?

   Bad credit but still has money = Black Jew

   starving! i'm so hungry I can eat a face!!! # toosoon?

   Just ran over my neighbor's cat, but I left a note saying "Curiosity was here" I'm probably safe, right?

   I have two choices:God gave us a brain. Do I perform the Hiemlich Manuever or should you just stand there and look stupid?.........Science: -10, Religion: 1