Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   its hard not to notice that a woman's "I'll be ready in 5 minutes" and a man's "I'll be home in 5 minutes" are exactly the same!

   How dare you POKE me and not stick around to cuddle... Does this mean we're allowed to POKE around?

   I hate it when Facebook doesn't trust me when sending out a friend request.

   What is air is actually poisonous and it just takes 80 years to kills us.

   The first rule of ADHD club..WOAH, POPTART! KITTY CAT!.. I want Mexican food... How's everyone doing today?

   I'll cuddle or spoon with you, but I'm not gonna promise or guarantee that I won't get an erection.

   Manny Pacquiao should audition to play the Dead Body on The First 48..

   Sometimes in life all you need is a Wi-Fi, an iMac and a cup of coffee.

   I'll never be able to run for President because of what I did for a Klondike Bar.

   Whats with this SONG POP thing everyone is doing and what does it taste like???

   Lance Armstrong uses performance enhancing drugs to win races... I use performance enhancing drugs to write Posts... Should we be penalized?

   Why is it that I am just realizing that Joey and Chandler did not have a sink in their apartment?

   Any other use of this status or any pictures, descriptions, or accounts of the status without the NFL's consent is prohibited

   not many people know that Albert Einstein had a brother that an evil scientist used to experiment on. His name was FrankEinstein

   A chinese delivery man just dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch timing Mr. Wong!!!

   Bruno Mars was busted for Coccaine in the Bathroom with ANOTHER MAN!!....HMMMMM I wonder if they were playing '"SWORD FIGHT?" Bwahahaaa!!! LOL!

   The Killer in me is the Killer in you.

   patrick swayze sang she's like the wind. On the way to work this morning the wind blew me all over the road.... if only patricks song were more true.

   OMG, you drink near beer? That's like when my sister circled all the Waldo's in my "Where's Waldo Book?" totally worthless and not enjoyable.

   If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?