Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just when you think you've got all the answers, I change the questions.

   Jennifer Aniston's acting has the emotional range of the volleyball in Castaway.

   If ya havin girl probs I feel bad for ya son, I got 99 problems and a nice young lady isn't one...

   Snow is herpes of the weather

   Girlfriend said "Do you want to go to a Red Hot Chili Peppers concert?" & I said "Do you want to have a different boyfriend that isn't me"

   The question no one is asking: What did Janay do to piss him off?

   One of my favorite sounds on earth is listening to my child sing while he gets ready for school. Something about anyone being that happy this early in the morning just moves me... not in the literal sense but it's touching...

   I met my GF online, in the grocery store. I was checking her out!

   Winters getting close here. Yesterday it was so cold that I seen a Lawyer walking around with his hands in his own pockets

   I'll take opposites for 400 Alex... "the opposite of downcat"... What is updog?.."Not much what's up with you"... * Alex quits,, they shutdown show forever*

   I don’t tell my wife anything. I don’t confide in her. I don’t trust anybody. I just treat her like an acquaintance.

   girl jogging down the road in yoga pants. Of course I was checking it out. She knew to turn around and see if I was. Totally busted.

   Accidentally went to the bar and kidnapped someone again.

   These pretzels are making me thirsty. Beer!

   I'll believe Jimmy Carter's brain cancer is gone when I hear it from someone who doesn't have brain cancer.

   PRO TIP: If you see a carrot on tinder,,,,, ALWAYS swipe left

   so.... how soon is too soon to tell a family member you have been usuing there new toothbrush to clean the toilet???

   Was in the public rest room - I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice in the other stall: "Hi, how are you?"... Me: embarrassed, "Doin' fine!" Stall: "So what are you up to?"... Me: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just sitting here." Stall: "Can I come over?"

   Next person who says "I hate the heat and humidity" will learn that it's not my fist, but the impact.

   I'm a cowgirl...and you can be my cowboy...but only if you wear levis..cus wranglers strangle the boys