lemonpillow Funny Status Messages
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What happens in Vegas doesn't stay in Vegas. It ends up on Facebook.

I felt sorry the hypnotist I saw last night He hypnotised seven men then dropped the microphone on his foot & yelled "F*ck me!".. What happened next will haunt me forever!

Life is simple. Eat. Sleep. Update Facebook status.

Why did the chicken cross the road? It was trying to get a signal on it's IPhone 4.

..i think Facebook needs a "Yes I Like Your Status And Have Commented On It ... But I Don't Want To Know When Everyone Else F*cking Does!" button

My inability to use emoticons correctly is really getting me down :)

When I said "I wanted to be held" I didn't mean "by the Authorities".

If anybody steals my identity, at least I'll know who to look for.

An unemployed clown is nobody's fool.

I won't rest until I find a cure for insomnia.

..thinks a toaster should give some sort of an indication when it's going to pop instead of scaring the crap out of me when it does!!

I have a dentist appointment tomorrow. Which means I have nineteen hours to do six months of flossing.

After four centuries, the semicolon has finally achieved it's true calling: helping people wink online. ;-)

Songs with sirens in them should not be allowed on the car radio as they trick me when i'm driving.

Why did the chicken cross the roa... *thump*thump* Nevermind.

My anti-aging face cream gave me acne. No need to go that young, L'Oreal.

I'm calling in blind this morning. I can't see myself going into work today.

Sociologists say San Francisco's birth rate is projected to decline sharply in the next decade. I'm actually rather surprised San Francisco has a birth rate.

it just me, or are 80% of the people in the “people you may know” feature on facebook people that you do know, but deliberately choose not to be friends with?

Life is like a game of cards. If you don't have a partner, you better have a good hand.
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