Kisstopher707 Funny Status Messages

   I’m suffering complications following my birth

   Nothing screams I need to get laid like screaming I need to get laid!

   When I suggest we eat pizza and someone says something stupid like "No, I had pizza yesterday," I just nod like I understand, but inside my head I have murdered the person a thousand times.

   A woman's cleavage tells you the amount and type of attention she needs.

   "I'm a woman, not a sex object" - said a woman to herself as she put on a push-up bra.

   Hey douchebag. Women like men with an accent, not an Axe scent

   courage turns quickly into fear when you attempt to kill a cockroach and it flies.

   Somewhere someone's therapist knows you.

   Don't, under any circumstance, believe I'll return your Tupperware.

   I still think I'm in my 20s sometimes...until I try to do something like I'm in my 20s.

   When does paying taxes get shut down? Asking for everyone with a job.

   You'll install an anti virus on your computer but not on your kids?

   Disappointment usually stems from expecting too much from strangers on Facebook.

   Yesterday I met my ex-girlfriend’s son and told him about how I once auditioned to be his father.

   People who make really bad decisions are always like "I have the worst luck"

   I'd love to come to your holiday party and stare at my phone all night.

   People think that in Africa we ride lions and elephants to work. That's ridiculous, we don't have jobs.

   If you like her, tell her. Don't friendzone yourself. Have some balls. Be a man.

   It's actually the voices outside my head that bothers me the most.

   When it comes to a recipe for a disaster, some people thrive on being the main ingredient.