andrew jackson Funny Status Messages
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just read that drug sniffing dogs get treats when they find drugs. we're just creating more addicts, you guys
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4/20? More like 1/5. Stupid stoners forgot to reduce their fractions
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Ugh. New Year's Eve is just around the corner and I STILL haven't picked out which gang sign I'm going to hold up in photos
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Call me crazy, but I really prefer the term mentally ill
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FYI: THIS IS THE FURTHEST IN HISTORY ANYONE'S EVER GONE!!!
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a pessimist sees the glass half empty. a possumist sees the glass as a giant possum. sometimes jokes don't make much sense.
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i do not like green eggs&ham I do not like them will.i.am woud you eat them in my trunk woud you eat them off my hump my hump my humps
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First date tip: to add an air of mystery, whisper "she suspects nothing" into your wristwatch
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red sky at morning, sailors take warning, sky rockets in flight, afternoon delight
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The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
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Screw you, space between my driver's seat and center console that's just the right size to accommodate every thing except my hand.
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How to lose an argument with a woman. 1) Argue
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Just noticed that the disclaimer at the beginning of Shark Tank says the Sharks are not really sharks, they are people.
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However lonely you feel, you're never alone. [There are literally millions of bugs, mites and bacteria living in your house.] Goodnight.
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I'm just a regular guy, I boil my spaghetti one noodle at a time.
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We need to start naming hurricanes after rappers. People might evacuate quicker if they know hurricane Ghostface Killah is coming.
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I have no time for stupid people But they sure do have time for me.
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Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
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My only stalker is Sallie Mae
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It's sad, 'cause even someone not particularly vain might think a song is about them, if enough details matched up.
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