Czovczov Funny Status Messages

   "We have a history" = "we used to have sex"

   My iPhone just auto-corrected "I will be home shortly" to "I wish I was single"

   If your breath isn't flammable, you're not an alcoholic.

   They should make a matchmaking site for single socks.

   If you're going to be alive, you might as well be incredible.

   I'm like a newborn baby when I wake up with a hangover. Unaware of my surroundings, sensitive to light and covered in God knows what.

   (Q): What is the difference between a prostitute, a girlfriend and a wife. (A): Prepaid, post paid and unlimited plan.

   This orange juice tastes weird without vodka.

   How come people that should never be allowed to reproduce have the most kids?

   There comes a time in the day when no matter what the question the answer is booze.

   Wanna know how I can tell you grew up in the 90's? Because you wont shut the hell up about growing up in the 90's.

   I need a lot of coffee to start the day and a lot of booze to end it.

   A woman without curves is like jeans without pockets. You just don't know where to put your hands.

   People who say, “I am a lover NOT a fighter” are full of bullsh!t. If you love something, you WILL fight for it.

   Yesterday my wife caught me checking out our hot new neighbor and all she had to say to me was, “It doesn't matter where you get your appetite, as long as you eat at home".

   Parallel lines have got so much in common. It's a shame they'll never meet.

   I'm so terrible at Chess. The only way I'll ever get to say "Checkmate" is if I eat at a restaurant in Australia.

   2 entirely different phrases; each have 3 words and 8 letters: “I Love You!” vs. “Go To Hell!”

   I don't care if I'm buried or cremated, as long as I never die.

   Fellaz: Tell her she's ‘beautiful' instead of ‘hot'. She's a woman, not a temperature.