Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages
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You can't make the same mistake twice. The second time you make it, it's no longer a mistake. It's a choice.
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If Plan A doesn't work, the alphabet has 25 more letters. Keep calm.
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Every time I see an abandoned shoe on the highway it makes me sad that I've never partied that hard.
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I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile. Then walk into a pole.
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Anyone ever looked at some of the people you dated in High School that are now on Facebook and think, "Thank God, I really dodged a bullet on that ONE!?!"
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If I had a dollar for every time someone has told me to "grow up," I could probably afford a whole arsenal of Super Soakers.
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If the TV show "Cops" has taught me anything, it's to stay away from people with blurry faces....... they always seem to attract trouble.......
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You know it's time to break-up when the little things start to piss you off: "Damn girl, do you HAVE to close your eyes every time you blink? F*ck this sh!t, I'M OUT!"
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I still think everyone on the east coast should have played dead just to scare the crap out of everyone on the west coast.
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I wish the best for my ex-girlfriend. I really do. I hope she meets someone honest, friendly, and kind. Cause, you know, opposites attract.
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I have benefits if anybody needs a friend.
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Whenever I hear someone say “STOP” my brain says “Hammer Time”
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Tell a girl a million times shes not fat... She'll never believe you... Call her fat once she'll never forget it.
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Almost a billion dollars have been spent on campaign ads so far. It's a good thing our schools and economy are in great shape or I'd be mad.
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The speed in which a woman says "nothing" when asked "What's wrong?" is inversely proportional to the severity of the sh!tstorm that's coming.
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I just coughed and sneezed at the same time, I think I traveled 3 seconds into the future.
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On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
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They say that you are what we eat. This means that I am cheap, easy and ready in 2 minutes!
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If you're talking on your cell phone in a public bathroom, I will flush the toilet over and over so your friend knows *exactly* where you are.
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Other than insecurity, alcoholism, infidelity, and sheer stupidity most of you are pretty much perfect.
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