Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   You can't make the same mistake twice. The second time you make it, it's no longer a mistake. It's a choice.

   If Plan A doesn't work, the alphabet has 25 more letters. Keep calm.

   Every time I see an abandoned shoe on the highway it makes me sad that I've never partied that hard.

   I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile. Then walk into a pole.

   Anyone ever looked at some of the people you dated in High School that are now on Facebook and think, "Thank God, I really dodged a bullet on that ONE!?!"

   If I had a dollar for every time someone has told me to "grow up," I could probably afford a whole arsenal of Super Soakers.

   If the TV show "Cops" has taught me anything, it's to stay away from people with blurry faces....... they always seem to attract trouble.......

   You know it's time to break-up when the little things start to piss you off: "Damn girl, do you HAVE to close your eyes every time you blink? F*ck this sh!t, I'M OUT!"

   I still think everyone on the east coast should have played dead just to scare the crap out of everyone on the west coast.

   I wish the best for my ex-girlfriend. I really do. I hope she meets someone honest, friendly, and kind. Cause, you know, opposites attract.

   I have benefits if anybody needs a friend.

   Whenever I hear someone say “STOP” my brain says “Hammer Time”

   Tell a girl a million times shes not fat... She'll never believe you... Call her fat once she'll never forget it.

   Almost a billion dollars have been spent on campaign ads so far. It's a good thing our schools and economy are in great shape or I'd be mad.

   The speed in which a woman says "nothing" when asked "What's wrong?" is inversely proportional to the severity of the sh!tstorm that's coming.

   I just coughed and sneezed at the same time, I think I traveled 3 seconds into the future.

   If you're talking on your cell phone in a public bathroom, I will flush the toilet over and over so your friend knows *exactly* where you are.

   Other than insecurity, alcoholism, infidelity, and sheer stupidity most of you are pretty much perfect.

   Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.

   So have they made a drink called Tequila Mockingbird yet? What the hell are they waiting for???