GaryKoenig Funny Status Messages

   I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early. *Runs Amazon van off the road

   Jellyfish have survived 650 million years, despite not having a brain. This gives so many people hope.

   You'll hit every cone on the highway before I let you merge in front of me because you saw that sign 2 miles ago like I did.

   How many divorced men does it take to change a lightbulb? No one knows. They never get to keep the house.

   Why is there enough asphalt for speed bumps but not enough to fill potholes?

   My class essay on internal organs was too short. So I added an appendix.

   The biggest mistake people make in a relationship is giving their heart to someone who needs a brain.

   People's driving skills got me looking both ways at green lights!

   My armpits smell like garlic bread. Me, flirting

   Cooking for 2 hours just to eat for 10 minutes is the biggest scam in the world.

   My car clock is finally right again. My patience really paid off.

   Pro tip: Save business cards of people you don't like. If you ever hit a parked car accidentally, just write "sorry" on the back and leave it on the windshield.

   A Disney fairy tale has the line "And they lived happily ever after". A modern day fairy tale has the line "If elected I promise."

   Dear Santa, I was good at being NAUGHTY. Does that count for anything?

   You know they once made a movie about constipation, but it never came out.

   I hate it when people text me: "Call me". I'm gonna start calling people and when they answer, I'm gonna say, "Text me", and hang up.

   Someday when scientists discover the center of the universe, a lot of people are going to be disappointed to find out it isn't them.

   I'm combining Easter and April Fools Day together this year. I'm sending kids out to search for eggs I haven't hidden.

   Everybody hates a cliffhanger because of the

   I think we should cancel April Fools this year. There is no prank topping reality.