Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Sing my music, Say my name" F A N D A N G O

   Name your iPod 'Titanic', plug it into the computer, "Titanic is syncing", press cancel, feel like a hero.

   after sex, I want to take a nap, while my girlfriend is full of spunk!

   What's the big deal about the Facebook changes? This is a free social media site you chose to use. Get over it or don't use it....seems simple to me

   Why does Matt Gaetz hate rush hour on the highway? Because he prefers minor traffic.

   Welcome to middle age, blueberries are your dessert now.

   Why not have a child run for governor in Vermont. There's one in the white house.

   Daddy, do I really need secret security clearance to give the president a hand job?

   gravy flavored coffee. Poor choice.

   Why when I go into a gym all the big girls look at me and think why is she here.... I look at them and think "Im glad I'm here now," maybe you should have been in here earlier in life and you'd be on my side...

   Wife: honey the vacuum isn't Sucking. Husband: Frustrating isn't it.

   I don’t care how comfortable it looks, I’m not buying a chair called a Lovesac.

   Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?

   Let me know when these lame american football jokes are over. Soccer > American Football.

   in a relationship with Farrah. X changed his relationship status to "complicated

   wants to be carried bathed and shampooed. Like a princess or a quadriplegic :-/

   Just Saw A Baby Wearing A Shirt That Says, "Not Everything Stays In Vegas."....

   its football season...detroit lions, cleveland tigers, & chicago bears...oh my

   Sitting on an active subwoofer is the closest I will ever get to any form of anal sex.

   If you guys don't start telling me when my status updates don't make sense... I'm gonna start matriculating bananas to the chimney of the coral reef.