Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am looking forward to my daughter being done with her I-Don't-Like-Daddy Phase. I'm running out of things to clean with her toothbrush.

   Of course Ellen DeGeneres is being taken to task for being a c**t. All Iesbians are.

   What did I learn today? Never use a dentist with a huge inflatable molar on his roof.

   There are 361 days until Christmas and people already have their lights up. This is getting ridiculous.

   Have happy merry impeachment and if you didn't hear trump's impeachment time is here.

   . Looks like the FNC reporters drank some Folgers and finally woke up.

   John has 36 kit kat bars and He eats 30 of them. What does that leave John with?........................ Diabetus,, John has "The diabetus."

   "Sing my music, Say my name" F A N D A N G O

   Name your iPod 'Titanic', plug it into the computer, "Titanic is syncing", press cancel, feel like a hero.

   after sex, I want to take a nap, while my girlfriend is full of spunk!

   What's the big deal about the Facebook changes? This is a free social media site you chose to use. Get over it or don't use it....seems simple to me

   Daddy, do I really need secret security clearance to give the president a hand job?

   Why does Matt Gaetz hate rush hour on the highway? Because he prefers minor traffic.

   Welcome to middle age, blueberries are your dessert now.

   Why not have a child run for governor in Vermont. There's one in the white house.

   gravy flavored coffee. Poor choice.

   Why when I go into a gym all the big girls look at me and think why is she here.... I look at them and think "Im glad I'm here now," maybe you should have been in here earlier in life and you'd be on my side...

   Wife: honey the vacuum isn't Sucking. Husband: Frustrating isn't it.

   I don’t care how comfortable it looks, I’m not buying a chair called a Lovesac.

   Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?