Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "I love it when you rub your happiness in my face & facebook" said no one ever.

   fall in love with a person for their brains and not their looks. Eh, save that sh!t for ugly people

   For those visiting NY city. Please considerate to respect those that live/work there and remember that all streets are currently considered a NO WAKE zone.

   The Long Island Medium shoulda been able to find victims of Sandy way easier than the corpse sniffin dogs

   I told her dried semen was a lot easier to get out than fresh but she still wanted a towel...well I guess it was in her eyes.

   True Story: Seeing a car set on fire with no doors at 12 midnight outside your miami house window is a sure sign KuKluxKlan has been doing some recruiting.

   would Anne Frank be famous if she had been a facebook user?

   Anyone else hates when they see the word *sigh* rewritten in any Status/IM/Email/ Text whatever?

   Discovery Channel - Conspiracies and Myths "Finding The Tooth Fairy" is on...... I hope they find her, that biotch still owes me money from when I was 6.

   What??? You want me to travel to Manila to pick up some envelopes??

   I don't another superpower... When I lift my son to let his hand touch the ceiling,, I see it in his eyes.

   It took me 2 and a half years of feeding my cat to realize I don't own a cat..

   This is nothing but a witch hunt. Since when is colluding with Russia a federal crime?

   Melania's first English words were "You like? You like?" While giving a guy a lap dance.

   It's a good thing Peter Parker was bitten by a spider on his arm rather than his ass. Otherwise he would blow a spiderweb out of his butthole every time he farted.

   This girl I know said she has 206 bones in her body. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207

   "I'm sorry to burden you with letting you know of my death, Mrs. Cleaver. But may I say that is a lovely dress you're wearing today." - Eddie Haskell

   Believe in God like y’all believe in that Toilet paper and y’all will be Ok..🤧

   What is another name for a farting contest? A wind-wind situation!

   I quit smoking cold turkey. And I quit drinking cold duck.