Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   used to work for H&R Block, but it was too taxing.

   Master Chef: I am glad the 3rd guy is bald... it matches his d.ick-head personality.

   saw a man laying in the middle of the boulevard. with paramedics and firefighters 'working' on him. This caused traffic to back up. I looked down at the man; I looked at the mess of traffic , and thought to myself, "I really hate traffic"!

   Athletes are nothing more than individuals who repress their h0m0sexuality.

   For years my Wife only has sex with me on my birthday. But now she has Alzheimer's, so I tell her it is my birthday everyday.

   I'm a porn again Christian.

   Getting Christmas gifts for my kids gets harder as they get older, mostly because I can't remember where I hid them.

   the key to good parenting a small boy is making him realize he doesn't have to shout because you are literally right next to him

   Unless you had yourself cloned, I don't want to hear any of this "New Year, New Me" crap.

   College football is important but a college education is importanter!

   Donald Trump's father's favorite song was "This Land is my Land, This Land is my Land."

   No I am not aware Taylor Swift has a new album because I don't listen to trash. I throw it out.

   . Do you think trump may of donated is presidental pay because he would of felt guilty excepting pay for a job he's not doing ?

   I'll be taking a knee at my Superbowl party in protest of white supremacy and police brutality.

   I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys

   Whoever said technology will replace paper... has obviously never tried to wipe their ass with an iPad

   I wonder how old Jenna Jameson's twin sons will be when they realize they weren't the first two guys in her at the same time?

   To all single men out there, NO, Plam Sunday is NOT like a Valentine's Day for you and your palm.

   thankful that Anthony Weiner's last name wasnt 'Butthole'.

   i just perfectly reverse parked my truck into a tight spot... Turns out the "tight Spot" was my girlfriend...