Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ahhh,,, Confucius say...I know I had it in my hand a minute ago.

   I will accept this award for Shikira tonight because she was busted by the TSA for trying to smuggle her own ass into the country

   Just drove past a hitchhiker I wish he had a better sign....

   10 minutes or it's free guarantees are not always a good thing. Take ball pube trimming for example...

   *at the cat shelter* Yes hi, where are the shopping carts?

   Vet who had sex with dogs and horses loses license, becomes just regular guy who had sex with dogs and horses.

   Facebook has been down today. Has anyone asked if it's ok hun?

   Nice try, but you're not getting rid of me that easily.

   Don’t text and drive. You’ll misspell a lot of words and people will be like wow I don’t respect this guy.

   I realized Freedom of speech has an expiration date... -Not valid when your in a position of influence, not valid when its being use as a weapon, and definitely not valid when I've got to listen to my wife!

   If we put a pair of glasses on the Super Bowl we could probably find out it's true identity.

   definition of work: activities carried out to maximize the time between two tantrums from my boss!

   X says “B*tch don't kill my vibe” – me every time I see a post about that dress or the black coffee jokes.

   Go shawty, it's a green light~50 cent in traffic

   Adds you to my list "Burn everything they own" LIST

   I don't always text and drive but when I do, its because I have to share a really funny Tweet I just read to Facebook.

   A new report says that 80 percent of sunscreens either don't work or have questionable ingredients. In a related story, I don't have long to live...

   I'm so broke, I owe myself two bucks

   I love Ellen. I'm gonna marry her idk how but I'm gonna make it happen.

   Proper Etiquette In 2016: Don't casually shoot someone while reading the manual of the gun you're shooting them with.