Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don’t text and drive. You’ll misspell a lot of words and people will be like wow I don’t respect this guy.

   I realized Freedom of speech has an expiration date... -Not valid when your in a position of influence, not valid when its being use as a weapon, and definitely not valid when I've got to listen to my wife!

   If we put a pair of glasses on the Super Bowl we could probably find out it's true identity.

   definition of work: activities carried out to maximize the time between two tantrums from my boss!

   X says “B*tch don't kill my vibe” – me every time I see a post about that dress or the black coffee jokes.

   Go shawty, it's a green light~50 cent in traffic

   Adds you to my list "Burn everything they own" LIST

   I don't always text and drive but when I do, its because I have to share a really funny Tweet I just read to Facebook.

   A new report says that 80 percent of sunscreens either don't work or have questionable ingredients. In a related story, I don't have long to live...

   I'm so broke, I owe myself two bucks

   I love Ellen. I'm gonna marry her idk how but I'm gonna make it happen.

   Proper Etiquette In 2016: Don't casually shoot someone while reading the manual of the gun you're shooting them with.

   If April showers bring Mayflowers, what do Mayflowers bring? Pilgrims.

   The Cheers theme plays as I walk into McDonald's and have a mild heart attack against a trash can.

   Muhammad Ali did not kill that gorilla's toddler just so you can make jokes on Facebook

   .... When I die I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep ..... Not screaming like the passengers in the bus he was driving.

   Work hard for your bread Work smart for the wine and women

   I'm going to make a death-bed vow that no grass will grow over my grave for 100 years just to see if I can pull it off.

   I'm a s confused as an Octopus taking a Rorschach test

   Adam silver just passed Lebron James and Kevin Durant in the MVP race