Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Halloween - the one day of the year peadophiles get home delivery

   After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF.

   Things that interrupt sex: 20s: drunk roommate walks in on you 30s: kids walk in on you 40s: spouse walks in on you 50s: foot cramp

   You can wear a t-shirt that says Archaeologist and just start digging holes wherever. Nobody will stop you

   Do you like apples? You do? Well....shut up.

   know why McDonald's restaurants always smell so bad? 'cause the people that eat there poop there.

   ¡ǝɯıʇ ǝɯɐs ǝɥʇ ʇɐ ʞooqǝɔɐɟ ǝsn puɐ puɐʇspuɐɥ ɐ op ʎןןɐuıɟ uɐɔ

   I got My space and Facebook mixed up this weekend... I kept telling people come on My-Face!!!

   Able to lose $250 Million dollars in a single year. It's a bird, no, it's a plane, no, it's Donald Trump!

   wondering why retarded people are blissful

   science makes more sense than a person(christ) pretending to be a magician...

   No, no, no, if there is one thing I know about architecture is that Will did not take Kate up the aisle, the aisles are another part of a church. He took her up the Central Passageway! Second thoughts, I think Aisle sounds better! :/

   Someone called me a social butterfly, I'm more of a social moth. When I approach a hot woman, I get shot down in flames...

   : Everybody wants some.

   Lead, follow, or get the heck out of the way

   I see a lot of stuff on something called Nibiru, A lot are asking many questions about this "wandering brown dwarf star" Put your freakin ouija boards away and leave Gary Coleman alone, show some respect.....

   When you get out of a cab, always run in a zig-zag pattern!

   OK let's get this straight. You are human tennis elbow, a pizza burn on the roof of the world's mouth, kitty litter on the floor when you're walking barefoot in the middle of the night... Why don't you like me?

   ‎"When we die, our bodies become the grass, and the antelope eat the grass. And so we are all connnected in the great Circle of Life..." You know now that I'm older this circle of life doesn't really seem that balanced... Especially if your the antelope

   Never expecting the unexpected making the unexpected