Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am now signing up for motivational speaker training...I heard the side benefits are great.

   "I don't wanna go there, We should never go there". - Fat people singing about the gym.

   I once visited The Virgin Islands. When I left, they were just called The Islands.

   There should be support groups for women that are nervous abouth their next Bra purchase.

   Boy are you my bank statements because you're hilarious

   It's Monday morning sweetie so do me a favor and shut your love hole. No, not that one...the one that makes words.

   Cheers to Friday & the weekend, but most of all thanks to good weather & friends who will get together!!!

   I like my women like I like my coffee. A little bit gross and I wouldn't recommend them to my friend for fear of judgement.

   We are all turds in the punch bowl of life.

   went out on a Friday and woke up one Monday in Bratislava chained and naked on a bench in the lap of an unknown man named Miroslav

   Thre are two types of people who annoy me here on Facebook; (1) Ugly people who constantly p0st pics captioning about how beautiful they are. (2) Beautiful guilty of the same crime.

   Why do people always pick their noses when they're at a stop light when everyone can see them.

   "Any last requests?" I say..... The eclair stands blindfolded,,,, coolly smoking his final cigarette. "Yeah," Flick. "Eat-me."

   I never knew the IRS had a swat team.

   After a good night of sleep, my fave word to wake up to in the morning is.........."TAMALES!"

   fyi: The cure for food poisoning is NOT Taco Bell.

   When dropping off prescriptions for two people with the same name...make sure the dates of birth are correct. Apparently my 12 year old is on Blood Presure meds now...

   Funny how when I see someone from High School I suddenly hve a great job and am trying to stick a key in a car I in the parking lot that I could never afford!

   Damn, it's so hot outside, i'm jealous.

   After spending the night with a stripper named KARMA last night, the phrase "Karma is coming for you" took on a whole new meaning!