Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A police officer came up to me yesterday and said, "Where were you between four and six?" I said, "Kindergarten." I need bail money.

   Every time that hoe inside my G.P.S. gives me wong directions I pimp slap her with the mute button. :-D

   How much cocaine is 2 much? Do you think security will view me ridding the elevator from the 1st to 2nd floor for the past 3hrs suspicious??

   I'll be gone for a while beating off... I'm back!!

   Why does the DB at work with the least experience always think he has all the answers??

   She put me in the family zone, which would be cool if we were in Kentucky.

   I see you Monday and I ain't Scared !

   I dont talk to strangers because they might do something awful... like sell me something!

   When you are mocking somebody, you are just trying to get rid of something embarrassing within you that makes you doing so.

   Guess I can take the mistletoe off my belt buckle now.

   First rule of the fight club should be: "Do not eat beans before the fight"

   Looks like Seattle can't win with only 11 players. They need a 12th man

   I've accepted every email offer I've ever received. My p3 Nis is now 235 feet long.

   What we do for ourselves dies with us. What we do for others and the world remains and becomes immortal. Is it Commando Friday yet?

   Now that my daughter's almost a toddler, when can I expect her baby toes to fall off and be replaced by adult ones?

   Check out a new church for the first time for Easter Sunday. When the pastor said, "would all the first time visitors please stand up", The whole church stood up with me! (Ö_Ö)

   If everybody's working for the weekend that means someone has been working for the week and they need to be stopped.

   WOW: term used by women when they are amazed that one person can be so stupid!!!

   Your about as relevant as a Facebook poke

   yesterday my five year old Hawaiian son used the word taint and I asked him where he heard that word and he replied "Walmart"