Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There's 2 things I hate 1 when people repeat themselves and 2 when people repeat themselves.

   Oh my god!! What is that enormous red gasious ball of fire in the sky that's making everyone take their clothes off???!?!?

   Facebook should have a who cares button.

   The heat wave continues! It's so hot in New York City that the Statue of Liberty was asked to blow out her torch.--Joan Rivers

   If you get a tattoo on your face of another person you can pretty much guarantee you and that person is probably homeless

   I hear Putin is running again for Russian Presidency. But more importantly, how will this affect the Russian mail order brides??

   If Rick Ross was Mexican they would call him Hoazay

   Dyslexic man walks into a bra *Ba-Dum-Bum Tsss*

   You know methane gas is odorless right? That's why I add the odor to mine so you guys know if I have a leak!

   If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable.

   Man: "I just sent you a fax. Could you fax that back, it was my only copy. Receptionist: Sure thing!!

   why is my imaginary friend SO good at hide and seek?

   watching this fly as it keeps flying into the window........................heh heh heh.......stupid fly

   sorry I'm drunk and I posted the same status twice....oopsy!

   Whenever I see you, I remember the song "Just the way you are" and the movie "2012". When I see your face… it's the end of the world.

   ;( Yep, winking AND frowning. Your mind = blown.

   A lady is like a piano...If not upright she is grand

   I swear I have more hair on the left side of my head. That's weird.

   Just Ferdette About It.... Teach Me How To Jimmer

   Women are like cell phones. They love to be held, talked to, and handled with care. But if you hit the wrong button, they'll disconnect you in a heartbeat...