Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   # He pretends to be ivy league. When he's actually more bowling league.

   Have you seen my thumb ring?" ~ my proctologist

   99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer. After Brett Kavanaugh walks in the room, there's no more bottles of beer on the wall.

   I killed 6 people this morning thinking they were post-apocalyptic zombies. Then I realized there was no apocalypse, it's just Sunday morning on a long weekend. Sorry to the families of the people who's brains I spiked in the church parking lot this morni

   I wonder what happens to facebook accounts of people who pass away.

   Jesus this, Mosses that- Abraham hit me with a wiffleball bat

   Can't wait for the fat man to show up on Christmas eve, and no I'm not talking about Trump.

   For $250 an hour I will pose as a marriage counselor and tell your partner they are wrong about everythng.

   The space bar means everything... Its the difference bewteen "She gave me herpies" & "She gave me her pies." One's more delicious

   accidentally took one of my wife's One-A-Day Vitamins for Women this morning. I've been trying to get dressed for 4 hours but everything makes me look fat. And I think I forgot to unplug the curling iron.

   My friend just broke up with his Japanese girlfriend. I told him, don't worry, there are plenty more in the sea...

   Jesus is just a guy who mows my lawn

   Our Father who art in Saint Louis, Baseball be thy game. Thy will be done, the NL Division will be won, on the field, as well as in the bullpen. Give us this day our bat and our glove, and forgive us our errors, as we forgive those who home-run against us

   ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

   Mike Vick thought he was playing the Washington Pitbulls cause he killed them!!

   ur mama is so poor she runs after a garbage truck with shopping list

   Bottle of lotion $ 2.59, Box of Kleenex $3.19 Roll of pictures taken of random girls at the beach $6.50 Having your wife walk in and see it is not pictures of her , PRICELESS

   How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.

   Reached that age where everything I think happened 2-3 years ago really happened in 2003.

   jumping out the window, who's with me?