Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I got so wasted this weekend I kept spilling drinks...all over the inside of my stomach.

   I like vending machines because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at a store, oftentimes, I will drop it so that it achieves its maximum flavor potential.

   burned lots of calories tonday, otherwise known as "dinner". :)

   Earthquake- 1 ......my pants- 0 .....who knew that the earthquake would cause a mudslide.........

   So you saw my new boyfriend and ask me what happened to my standards? Well duh .. I raised them!!!

   Girl: oh sh*t you feeling real freaky so you brought whip cream cherries and the syrup Guy: no b*tch I just wanted a sundae!

   alright ladies! Lets sing a song! If you're drunk and you know it,c raise you shirt!

   Zombies with afros are attacking my monkey!

   it's not the heat, it's the humidity thats bothering me today

   February is Irony Month! I'm celebrating Irony Month by treating everyone equally, just like I do every month, because we're all human.

   This world would be slot nicer if your parents didn't have kids

   first 10 people to hit me up at 2:30 am sunday gets a free airfare roundtrip airfare

   Brooklyn was conceived in brooklyn, Romeo in rome, Cruz on a cruise and harper 7 conceived on 7 pints of harp

   Who will go down in history as the best HIDE AND GO SEEK player....Bin Laden or Casey Anthony?

   I was nothing when I met you and I will be less than nothing without you. I know loving me is a hard job, but somebody has got to do it.

   "Fei Fei Sun.. She is Chinese" oh, really? It sounded so European to me!!

   im not much for masterbation but it did go off once while cleaning it

   Damnit GeoCities has closed. Now where can I go to find a poorly designed website devoted to Ghostbusters movie quotes?

   • Where does a woman put perfume? Where she wish to be kissed.

   Hans Solo changed his name to Hans TooLow today! too soon?