Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   To the man who does not want me to make $15 an hour at Burger King.....that wasn't real mayonaise

   The answer to the giraffe riddle is EYES.

   Helium addiction is horrible because no one takes your cries for help seriously.

   It's absolutely hilarious when an idiot tries to convince you and themselves that Android handsets are better than an iPhone.

   free falling!

   All my Nieces are Brilliant and Beautiful and obviously take after their aunt!

   I guess it wasn't video who killed the radio star. RIP Kris' Kraddick...

   Looks like someone thought it would be a good idea to let the jester rule the kingdom again.

   Imagine how much more seriously Jesus would've been taken if he rode around on a stallion and not a donkey.

   The Mayans were wrong so they must've been men!

   adding "euro" before any word immediately makes it sound g ay!

   After seeing the aftermath of the hurricane, we should change its name from Sandy to Watery.

   Girls are like phones. They love to be held, talked to but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected.

   If Adele doesn't open a Sushi restaurant called "Rolling in the sea" then seriously, what's she even doing?

   If I ever say, "Don't do anything I wouldn't do." I'm talking about eating healthy food or doing exercise and sh*t.

   This status is dedicated to all the pretty girls and the ugly ones too cause to me your pretty anyway baby.

   I wasn't sure why the doctor prescribed LSD for my constipation, until I saw a f@#king dragon and sh!t myself.

   "Don't make me Chris Brown you, b!tch"

   It would be cool if getting Lou Gehrig's disease meant you became amazing at baseball.

   I never get jealous when I see my ex with someone else, because my parents always taught me to give my used toys to the less fortunate.