Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Accidentally gave my wife a glue stick instead of chapstick. Shestill isn't talking to me.

   I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed

   Oh man! I just heard Obama is coaching our team tonight.. Some public relations gimmick. He's giving the opposing team our quarterback, wide recievers and linebackers in the interest of spreading the wealth around.. :-/

   wants a sham wow

   Why is it that Every time I use a plunger, it feels like I am giving my toilet CPR?

   whistling a merry tune

   thought I saw a puddy cat!

   Christmas Card $3.00 Brand new "Shrek" dvd $20.00 Gift wrap $2.00 The look of disappointment in a childs face when you tell them santa isn't real - PRICELESS !!!

   Turtles are like toasters, if you throw unicorns at them, Dishwasher.

   A little known fact from the Bible is that between his resurrection and his ascension into heaven, Jesus ate nothing but brains.

   People on the plane, rained mainly on Ukraine

   There are so many absurdities, contradictions & cruelties in the Bible that it's impossible for it to have been inspired by any supernatural being. It's poorly written. A better job could be done by a group of linguists, philosophers & Pastafarians.

   the bear necessities.

   When someone in the administration has to CONSTANTLY walk back Brandon's statements it should be crystal clear to everyone that Brandon is not the one making policy decisions. . .

   girls are like math, if there under 13 do them in your head.

   Joe the plumber

   profound as a pronoun that verbs today.

   I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk

   Happy James Earl Ray Day!

   has issues. Would you care to listen?