Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The only reason God gave women legs, is so they don't leave snail trails. . .

   Why does a microwave beep multiple times. Don’t act like we aren’t waiting by it

   Melania's wax figure was revealed, and placed next to donalds. Their figures looks so real that even the Melania wax figure refuses to hold donald's hand.

   When a client's (djt) lawyer, lawyer needs a lawyer. You know their guilty.

   yes tebow is leaving . . . but that is not considered a medical reason . . unless everyone is dehydrated from crying so much

   handing out clean needles at the Betty Ford Clinic

   Heard on the news, while hunting for Easter eggs the kids found a body, can you imagine nexy year when mom says come on lets see what the Easter Bunny brought you. I Picture kids screaming and crying, hell I would peobaly never celebrate Easter agian.

   If your paddling upstream in a canoe and a wheel falls off, how many pancakes fit in a doghouse? None! Ice cream doesn't have bones!!

   the best part of you ran down your mothers leg

   It's 2011, you think we would have toothpaste the doesn't ruin orange juice by now.

   just ate a Kit Kat and a multivitamin, like a F'n American!

   Fat girls think M.O.B stands for "McDonalds Or Burgerking"

   My mother never breast fed me. She told me she likes me as a friend.

   I'm so hot I stalk myself.

   The man who never apologizes, wants an apology. The irony is strong with this one.

   Over here is just as empty as Ivanka Trump women's empowerment speech in Tokyo.

   I wonder what the airports looked like during the US War of Independence in the 18th century?

   Just found out the girlfriend is pregnant, so I decided to propose. "Will you make me the happiest man on earth, or will you keep the baby?"

   Dear Non Smokers: You know we only blow smoke in your faces so that you will finally stop breathing, right?

   I have a dream that one day Martin Luther King will come back to our world and kick the owner of the Clippers square in the nuts.