Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Fat girls think M.O.B stands for "McDonalds Or Burgerking"

   My mother never breast fed me. She told me she likes me as a friend.

   I'm so hot I stalk myself.

   I wonder what the airports looked like during the US War of Independence in the 18th century?

   Over here is just as empty as Ivanka Trump women's empowerment speech in Tokyo.

   The man who never apologizes, wants an apology. The irony is strong with this one.

   Just found out the girlfriend is pregnant, so I decided to propose. "Will you make me the happiest man on earth, or will you keep the baby?"

   Dear Non Smokers: You know we only blow smoke in your faces so that you will finally stop breathing, right?

   I have a dream that one day Martin Luther King will come back to our world and kick the owner of the Clippers square in the nuts.

   Milk Milk Lemonade, 'Round The Corner, Fudge Is Made

   I got 99 problems, and "Honey Boo Boo" tops the list!!!

   Rubbing one out thinking about Wall-E and EVA in the throes of robo-love

   PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: Don't text and walk at the same time! Trust me, that street lamp... is closer than you think!

   Doctors handwriting: ﹏﹏ ﹏﹏ ﹏. What I see: ǽ₮∂￦￡. What the pharmacist sees: Aspirin you dumb ass.

   If we were going to give this planet an enema, we would stick the hole right here in the United States.

   Why are women like clouds ? Because when they **** off its usually a nice day

   For the whole month of November I'll be starting a new business. I'm going to give out free rebound sex to all of the heart broken females out there. I know.... I know.... It's a dirty job but somebody has to do it.

   It's a sad situation when a fat girl does her best to lose weight only to discover that even with her new slim body, she is still unable to attract boys.

   Thinks Women are magic creatures: they get wet without water, bleed without being injured, give milk without eating grass, can make boneless meat ROCK HARD!

   Angelina Jolie getting a double mastectomy to reduce the risk of breast cancer is like me cutting my junk off because I might bet blue balls