Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Did you know the same goes for an atheist or one on a gluten free diet?

   It hurts to lose old friends, but when your paths diverge you shouldn't take the low road just fit the company.

   I'm keeping up with the Kardashians ..... my dad I s gone too

   Have you ever turned off your alarm and gone back to sleep for just a few more minutes but end up waking up 48951 centuries later

   I propose we add an eight day to the week . We shall call it... Saturday two!!

   Q: Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? A: Fo' Drizzle

   I am moving to Colorado they just legalized marijuana for recreational purposes.

   i can't sing but I do have other oral talents.

   Native Americans don't make fun of criminals because it's wrong to mock-a-sin.

   I often wonder, people with full body art tattoos. Does their $hit come out rainbow colored. . .

   Women are beautiful creatures. Just beware of the claws, and fangs.

   how do you keep a little dog from humping your leg? Tape a photo of ur mom on ur kneecap.

   everybody is celine dion in the shower..

   Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

   Marriage is not a word or a sentence, as reported above. It's an institution - like... prison.

   headed down to Jared Jeweler to get my homegirl a "special designer" ankle bracelet for her while doing her house arrest. Then I'm going to Macy's to pick her up a designer womens black/white pin strip sweater. Make her feel as if she still in the can.

   Your chick so easy a caveman can do it! ~t.white~

   So I'm a guy and would it make me gay if I put as my status, 'I like it on a hospital bed'? Just wondering.

   Why does this baby gravy always have to stick to my eyes

   ~ A teacher at a school for overweight kids was fired for sniffing cocaine. His massive pupils gave him away.