Snotty Funny Status Messages

   I'm white,, but not "donates to PBS public television for $50 a month to receive a Free DVD of the programm I just watched for Free".. white.

   The US beat Canada at hockey this week... In retaliation, a new Nickelback album will be unleashed.. We brought this upon ourselves America.

   I Just backed into a Jaguar, but I left him a note on my bank statement,, so he knows not to bother calling

   My pet rock turned 4,054,870,001 today

   We're shutdown, but not 'stop collecting taxes' shutdown.........- the government

   My Ultra Sensitive toothpaste doesn't like it when I use other toothpastes.

   God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later... Amen

   Day 44 without eating an apple,,,, doctors are following me everywhere. the police are powerless to intervene.

   There are 24 singles in your area...*unchecks "Kraft"..... There are 0 singles in your area.

   Pizza Hut is selling a pizza with hotdogs in the crust???... Aren't the type of people who order this,, the same people who aren't able to waddle quick enough to answer the door?

   I'm convinced that anyone driving the speed limit or slower is either 80+yrs. Or has drugs in their car...

   I'm gonna get one of those giant, old-timey bicycles. You know the type, where if you tipped over you fell 20ft. and died..... yeah,,one of those

   Studies show we aren't doing anything right.

   "Hospice," contrary to popular belief,,, was not one of the Spice Girls.

   Unsubscribing to emails requires three or more clicks,, So I'm just going to keep deleting them for the rest of my life.

   COP: "Do you know why I pulled you over?"... ME: "So it wouldn't be as windy and easier to hear when we talked?."

   From 8am until 11:59 a.m,,,, my job basically pays me to think about what I am going to have for lunch

   I'm saving all my good posts for when I can think of some.

   The first rule of plagiarism club looks familiar

   That chili I ate last night is causing gas bubble noises to occur in areas of my body that were previously believed to be solid chocolate