Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Drinking is the leading cause of hangovers

   Give a man a fish and he'll ask you why you are trying to buy a box of donuts with a fish.

   Oh Lawd, this woman in Wal Mart has a box of tampns and bottle of Midol in her.....Please everyone stay out of her way!

   I went out clubbing last night. I got 5 baby seals. A new personal record.

   Vietnameese girl working at the parking lot at the olympics in Russia fired after tourist complained that all she said was "SOCHI SOCHI FIVE DOLLA'"

   I wanna make a t shirt with hitler swinging a baseball bat and FDR in umpire gear saying 3 Reichs you're out

   If you love someone set them free, if they don't come back hunt them down and beat the snot out of them.

   Too bad NY was wasted on New Yorkers

   Whoever said technology will replace paper has obviously never tried to wipe their butt with an iPad.

   Marriage is like a public toilet. Those waiting outside are desperate to get in. Those inside are desperate to get out.

   •*´¨`*•.¸¸¸.•*´¨`*• ¸.·´¯`·.¸¸><((((º>

   Hi, i'll have a venti cafe mocha vodka val!um latte to go please! Me at the Starbucks Barista.

   I missed a period in that last status. I hope I'm not pregnant!!!

   Sometimes you're the poo and sometimes you're the shoe.

   That uneasy moment when DRAKE realised that both his eyebrows are "On One"

   When it comes to certain people. The best part of them is the part that ran down their daddy's leg.

   Good morning Friday...tell your pal Monday he needs to come around here tomorrow so all my friends can get back to work so they don't forget how great it is to work for a living.

   I wonder if Jack Lalane was buried, cremated, or "juiced"?

   WARNING::World Health Organization says radiation from cell phones may cause cancer. Please pickup your cell phone and call everyone you know about this!

   The top 5 footballers from the 2010-11 season have been announced: Giggs Cort Given Thomas De Koch.