Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   sick of talking about herself in 3rd person.

   : Taylor Swift has applied for a patent for her invention of a new musical key.

   Have you ever been so bored you started a rumor about yourself just to argue on the other end of it...

   If a man who cannot count finds a four-leaf clover, is he lucky?

   divorcing her liver and requesting alimony.

   PSA: When you find out it is a snow day, everyone on facebook already knows. Please do your best to refrain from updating your status to "no school" or "snow day". As it does get on my nerves.

   Aibohphobia -- fear of palindromes (ironically it is a palindrome)

   so you know what's hotter then today? Me......that is all.

   's ideas regarding romance have drastically evolved since kids & marriage. Flowers are lame. A man pushing a vacuum or starting a load of laundry without being asked, however, is the hottest thing since Brooke Shields swam the Blue Lagoon naked!

   Sleeping is putting a restraining order against me, I have to pay for my dreams support.

   Hey...so, how do you like these 4 foot high walls here in the Mens room?...See that Mariner game last night? Nice belt...Alligator? You have a piece of chive in your teeth...umm, ok, well..whatcha say we just do the wipe thing at the same time and split?

   Yankee's A-Rod just tapped his 600th. 14000 shy of Wilt Chamberlin.

   Every piece of chocolate I ever ate is getting back at me..desserts are very revengeful..they make sure you land up in the gymjail and weep!

   says Just finished the KFC double Down .... Whoever made this had to be STONED because no one sober could come up with something SO GOOD !!!

   Why Yes Officer...I did see the Speed Limit sign...I just didn't see YOUR car!

   Waiting 4 the day when 1 of the tri-nations lands(new zealand,australia and south africa)figures out how 2 play american football.then we'll own that sh!t 2.just as we did with england and their rugby lmao.

   It's easier to drive to mars than to figure out how a male thinks .

   Officer, why did you stop me for speeding? You see all those ahead of me? Clearly their the one's who are the speeders.

   theres only one way to become champion ......... never loose

   How many Feminists does it take to finish this joke without offending anyone?