Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I lost my job at the emergency hotline because I kept answering “share the joke” when people called and said “I’m dying here”

   Roses are Red Violets are blue Beer is delicious Poetry is Hard Beer

   I wondered where all the herion went.

   nothin will boost your confidence more than beating that p**** up

   Most of them had experienced a broken home caused by divorce, or a lack of discipline in the home, and emotional neglect. The attention in the household is on the parents rather than the child.

   "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened with daddy issues, and I will give you drinks." Brolossians 11:28

   There’s a monkey that’s an astronaut but you’re just some guy writing jokes for strangers on the Internet.

   Life is like a box of condoms. If you don't use one, you never know what you're goin get.

   Whenever someone says "This day couldn't get any worse" I set them on fire & ask "Are you sure?"

   May the Bird of Paradise fly up your nose and lay an egg in your sinuses.

   It was so cold today in D.C. that I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets. 😂😳

   I have a six pack and a gut so the ladies get the best of both worlds

   2 year old: Mommy, what is a loser?? Me: Well sweetie, you know your dad? 2 year old: No. Me: There ya go.

   SHARKNADO 2 took 18 days to film....credit to everyone... it totally looks like a 24 day shoot to me!!!

   I hate when there are other people at the bank.

   System, please delete all my feelings for her. WARNING: The file is too big. Might take years to delete.

   Life is like a $h!t sandwich. The more bread you have the less $h!t you have to eat.

   The worst thing in life is smiling at someone who doesn't even worth a kick in the crotch.

   The French are horrible at robbing banks. As soon as they get out of the bank with the money, they go straight to police station and surrender.

   Why did the turtle cross the road? ...To get to the shell station!