Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   See, it's not only Canada that gets snow. Got that Florida, Texas, California........

   Unless you got cloned on new year's eve, please don't write: " new year, new me." It's not gonna end well.

   I just want what Paula Abdul and that cartoon cat had.

   I am really disappointed that Trader Joe's 2 buck Chuck is now $3.29 WTF Chuck!!

   Public Service Announcement: It's St. "Paddy's" Day.... "Patty" is short for Patricia.

   *Tries to finger paint* Paint: "I have a boyfriend".

   BREAKING NEWS: The Groundhog is wanted in 25 states stretching from the east coast!~

   "April fools fell on a Hump day" said the camel

   [judge at restaurant] "I will try... the lobster" [2 hours later] "I find the lobster guilty of money laundering and embezzlement"

   How long does it take for Auburn to beat Alabama? 1 second

   I lost my job at the emergency hotline because I kept answering “share the joke” when people called and said “I’m dying here”

   Roses are Red Violets are blue Beer is delicious Poetry is Hard Beer

   I wondered where all the herion went.

   nothin will boost your confidence more than beating that p**** up

   Most of them had experienced a broken home caused by divorce, or a lack of discipline in the home, and emotional neglect. The attention in the household is on the parents rather than the child.

   It was so cold today in D.C. that I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets. 😂😳

   "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened with daddy issues, and I will give you drinks." Brolossians 11:28

   There’s a monkey that’s an astronaut but you’re just some guy writing jokes for strangers on the Internet.

   Life is like a box of condoms. If you don't use one, you never know what you're goin get.

   Whenever someone says "This day couldn't get any worse" I set them on fire & ask "Are you sure?"