Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife just had my tubes tied, and now She's become........inconceivable.

   I was watching the gay scene on Game Of Thrones and my dad walked in on me... and immediately walked back out.. Now, he won't even make eye contact with me.

   Lacrosse...when it comes to sports, you are one big h0m0. I meant that in a nice way.

   You may say I'm addicted to Facebook but I prefer to call it my second childhood...

   Sepp Blatter is being investigated by FBI regarding his illicit relationship with Bruce Jenner.

   I wear running shoes so I look like I'm going places.

   Cluelessness in dogs is cute but not so much in human beings.

   The deep freeze of winter has finally arrived. It's that time of year when most women and Bruce Jenner say thank God for padded bras.

   'm trying to learn to be a Magician.. But I have a question. Is it pulling a rabbit out of a hat or a hat out of the rabbit ?

   Watching and playing video games is probably my favorite holiday thing.

   Don't be the one that smells the farts, be the one that is the farts.

   Starbucks has raised their coffee prices. They should change their name to "Coffee! Starring your Bucks".

   If a rich man is hanging out with your woman - all I'm saying is she's willing to at least listen to other d*ck options. Beware dude:(

   Responsibility gave me the finger yesterday.

   A woman's "I'll be ready in 5 minutes" is the same length of time as a man's "I'll be home in 5 minutes."

   I nominate Clint Eastwood,to the Franklin Mo. challence,to go straighten this whole mess out and restore law and order.You have 24 hours...good lu

   love yourself first. send yourself romantic texts. take yourself out on romantic dates. hold your hand in public as a show of affection.

   If I have to text you first every time we talk, then I'm just goign to drop and block you!

   I was just reading, 3 Steps to Repair Your Metabolism. My three steps are. Get a beer, open beer and drink said beer. . .

   Reports out of Buffalo are stating they are hiring fans to help shovel out Ralph Wilson Stadium. Hey, Goodell Ray Rice & AP are free!