Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't be the one that smells the farts, be the one that is the farts.

   Starbucks has raised their coffee prices. They should change their name to "Coffee! Starring your Bucks".

   If a rich man is hanging out with your woman - all I'm saying is she's willing to at least listen to other d*ck options. Beware dude:(

   Responsibility gave me the finger yesterday.

   A woman's "I'll be ready in 5 minutes" is the same length of time as a man's "I'll be home in 5 minutes."

   I nominate Clint Eastwood,to the Franklin Mo. challence,to go straighten this whole mess out and restore law and order.You have 24 hours...good lu

   love yourself first. send yourself romantic texts. take yourself out on romantic dates. hold your hand in public as a show of affection.

   If I have to text you first every time we talk, then I'm just goign to drop and block you!

   I was just reading, 3 Steps to Repair Your Metabolism. My three steps are. Get a beer, open beer and drink said beer. . .

   Reports out of Buffalo are stating they are hiring fans to help shovel out Ralph Wilson Stadium. Hey, Goodell Ray Rice & AP are free!

   See, it's not only Canada that gets snow. Got that Florida, Texas, California........

   Unless you got cloned on new year's eve, please don't write: " new year, new me." It's not gonna end well.

   I just want what Paula Abdul and that cartoon cat had.

   I am really disappointed that Trader Joe's 2 buck Chuck is now $3.29 WTF Chuck!!

   Public Service Announcement: It's St. "Paddy's" Day.... "Patty" is short for Patricia.

   *Tries to finger paint* Paint: "I have a boyfriend".

   BREAKING NEWS: The Groundhog is wanted in 25 states stretching from the east coast!~

   "April fools fell on a Hump day" said the camel

   [judge at restaurant] "I will try... the lobster" [2 hours later] "I find the lobster guilty of money laundering and embezzlement"

   How long does it take for Auburn to beat Alabama? 1 second