Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Florida and Texas send out a zombie alert to residents.

   Aaron Hernandez's suicide just means 1 more Patriot wont be visiting the White House Today...

   Let’s pretend like we just went camping. When you wake up the next morning, you notice that your underwear is on backwards. Would you tell anyone about it? If your answer is no, do you want to go camping?

   I wonder if Tupac will make it to his movie premier??

   Can someone explain how Jaime fell off a horse in ankle deep water & then sank into the abyss? Thanks

   You can not take people's right away who want to take other people rights. You become as bad as them. We all have rights, even stupid people like the hate and anti hate group people.

   I wonder if Trump does all his tweeting while taking a dump on the toilet.

   To end the Corvid how about we give those who don't really need $600 extra per week to go on vacation with so they stay home.

   Why am I sleeping on the couch? well lets put it this way she caught me talking on the phone last night and it was not Jake from State farm

   Maybe the Pandemic Shutdown of 2020 was organized by Keyser Soze

   Marriage tip #12: Remember to always leave a healthy amount of cups and trash laying around your house. That way your wife always has something to clean up. A busy wife is a happy wife.

   I won't be celebrating Halloween today. You know... where you dress up, pretend to be someone you're not, sing creepy songs about drinking blood, and invite a Spirit to meet you in the haunted house. Sounds too much like church to me.

   Heres how to make me cry: take a picture of two old people and write 'best friends' on it.

   I'll bet Rosa Parks could really kick ass at Musical Chairs.

   Its a man's responsibility to feed his wife because the last time the woman fed the man ........we all got chased out of the garden of Eden!

   Alternative Fact: You can't get pregnant on Spring Break. Summer is the only time you can get pregnant.

   A study has shown that if you put lard on your head every day you will grradually grow taller. Crisco does not have the same effect because it's shortening.

   Imagine you in heaven eatin' yo daily bread and the devil walks by with Popeyes.

   it's funny how that guy gives us Americans enough credit to know who Nina Davuluri is.

   Everybody's talking about IOS 7..What is it?.. I Still Own windows 7