Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm the Albert Einstein of avoiding eye contact in public.

   I don't see what the big deal is with the Harlem shake. That's how I Boogie on a regular basis music or not. My GF says I have moves like Elaine whatever that means. So I must be really, really good :p Don't be Jelly

   I am really surprised that there are not more women race car drivers! Women drive all over town like race car drivers!

   I hope the actresses who takes the Oscar home tonight will be wearing a bullet proof vest & does not intend to use the bathroom at night, we are not ready for a sequel yet.

   Wife said she needs a break from picking up my socks on the floor. Fine with me...I also have 12 pairs of underwear.

   ok, which one of you ladies gave me your hangover...

   has discovered that telling a girl you don't have any sores isn't the best way to get her to kiss you.

   Watching hagel's interview: why doesn't any reporter ask him that we are the biggest threat to world peace rather than any other nation?

   I skip the ads on free apps so fast they could be for free crack and I wouldn't know it!!

   Dear Syria, Hope you are regretting not to be in limelight thesedays-N.Korea

   What do our phones do when we go to sleep? Do they go have some fun? Or do they stare at us?

   I woke up from a deep sleep to find my very despised ex girlfriend standing at the foot of my bed...she was naked and holding a 12 pack of beer in one hand and a large pizza in the other hand...this works for me.

   Men are complicated creatures. Some admire the buttocks, others prefer breasts and a select few pt for the d*ck.

   JAMES ON FACEBOOK: The fact that your girlfriend lets you have sex with her isn't enough reason for you to hold her handbag.

   this girl I'm seeing hates when I stalk her,well I'm not actually dating her yet.

   Some guys also play hard to get. Only in their case, it means they are gay.

   no wonder it took Wentworth Miller 5 yeats to perfect a perfect Prison Break...

   Boys don't make passes at girls with flat asses, pass it on.

   Official Football helmet on Captain Video!

   just a thought...if you are a wanted criminal and your picture is all over the internet......an internet cafe is probably not the best place to hang out in.....