Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Of all my girlfriends' family, Aunt Flow is both my favorite and least favorite visitor…

   Im actually going as Gary Johnson this year and protecting the children from kidnappers and bringing joy back to halloween

   Any chair is a high chair if you smoke enough weed.

   In a vicious cycle of abuse...Elmo is just mimicking his childhood abuse when Mr. Noodle forced Elmo to play with his "noodle"

   "Can I get you some tea?" -- old guys with ponytails

   the doctor says go to the gym but he doesnt say to step inside it....theres a Chick-fil-A next to the gym at the mall

   Facing the music and out dancing every single tune on it.

   If a recipe has more than 5 ingredients in it, I'm not makin' it. Because, weed & lazy.

   not looking for Mr. Right... looking for Mr. Right Now

   I'm the Albert Einstein of avoiding eye contact in public.

   I don't see what the big deal is with the Harlem shake. That's how I Boogie on a regular basis music or not. My GF says I have moves like Elaine whatever that means. So I must be really, really good :p Don't be Jelly

   I am really surprised that there are not more women race car drivers! Women drive all over town like race car drivers!

   I hope the actresses who takes the Oscar home tonight will be wearing a bullet proof vest & does not intend to use the bathroom at night, we are not ready for a sequel yet.

   Wife said she needs a break from picking up my socks on the floor. Fine with me...I also have 12 pairs of underwear.

   ok, which one of you ladies gave me your hangover...

   has discovered that telling a girl you don't have any sores isn't the best way to get her to kiss you.

   Watching hagel's interview: why doesn't any reporter ask him that we are the biggest threat to world peace rather than any other nation?

   I skip the ads on free apps so fast they could be for free crack and I wouldn't know it!!

   Dear Syria, Hope you are regretting not to be in limelight thesedays-N.Korea

   What do our phones do when we go to sleep? Do they go have some fun? Or do they stare at us?