Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It isn't considered littering if you throw your beer cans out the window after spotting the police. I call it disposal of evidence but the law calls it tempering with the evidence.

   Your girlfriend will blow you once she sees her sister do it.

   I love being envied and hated! Because no one envies the ugly and nobody hates the weak!

   Just watched a movie with my kids about a young girl that is transported to a surreal land where she kills the first person she meets. Then she meets up with 3 other strangers to kill again. The Wizard of Oz.

   Cinco De Mayo is just a remind a bunch of Mexicans kicked the French's behind in 1862!

   Even a bed of roses has thorns!

   I have feigned outrage over feigned outrage.

   Scientists have predicted that the human race will be no more in 10,000 years. All I think is that with what happened this afternoon in Woolwich - good!

   I get my kicks below the waistline, sunshine,,, because that's where my legs are, and I'm pretty sure you need those for kicking.

   I slept so hard last night the Geico caveman was under me when I woke up...

   My Bologna has a first name, but it ain't Oscar !

   Of all my girlfriends' family, Aunt Flow is both my favorite and least favorite visitor…

   Im actually going as Gary Johnson this year and protecting the children from kidnappers and bringing joy back to halloween

   Any chair is a high chair if you smoke enough weed.

   In a vicious cycle of abuse...Elmo is just mimicking his childhood abuse when Mr. Noodle forced Elmo to play with his "noodle"

   "Can I get you some tea?" -- old guys with ponytails

   the doctor says go to the gym but he doesnt say to step inside it....theres a Chick-fil-A next to the gym at the mall

   Facing the music and out dancing every single tune on it.

   If a recipe has more than 5 ingredients in it, I'm not makin' it. Because, weed & lazy.

   not looking for Mr. Right... looking for Mr. Right Now