Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's going to be so disappointing if we ever ask aliens about crop circles and they're just like, "We really hate corn."

   We had a good thing going until you made it real.

   Your girlfriend's existence is starting to piss me off.

   You know I mean business when I spin my phone keyboard into landscape mode.

   No modern civilization has ever been around that did not include alcohol and religion. Which ironally enough is why a lot of people drink religiously.

   I swear this dude is the type that stands in front of the mirror every morning and whisper "I'm Beautiful!" How much do you wanna bet he's wearing a pantyliner!

   I hate self-serving, self-absorbed people who talk constantly about their own troubles but never ask about yours.

   ‎"Message Seen" in Facebook I'm is the absolute best way to weed out "Friends"

   If God had a sense of humor, he would have asked Noah to bring a pair of termites on board.

   I hate it when women dress up on Halloween. It just reminds me of the times I wake up next to one of them after a good night out

   I am thinking todays topic with my psychiatrist is going to be "When someone asks me if I have a snow blower.....why do I always picture my ex and Frosty the snowman"

   It. There, I said it.

   people who think their state is the only one with crazy weather also think New York is nothing but concrete and buildings...

   I’m not ugly. You’re just not drunk enough.

   I wonder if I'd get kicked out of an AA if I pulled a Jeff Spicoli and ordered a pizza to it.

   When I start my drinks, my di&k does all the thinking..

   as a kid my mom used to tell us kids "i dont want to hear a peep"....i just listened to the easter basket & I dont hear anything

   99% of my wardrobe consists of T shirts. This of course got me to thinking....aren't ALL shirts T's? Anyone out there who doesn't have a bilateral symmetry form and is instead shaped like a "W"?

   im not controlling ....just aggressively helpful !!!!

   For some people its, "Started from the bottom I'm still there"