Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate it when women dress up on Halloween. It just reminds me of the times I wake up next to one of them after a good night out

   I am thinking todays topic with my psychiatrist is going to be "When someone asks me if I have a snow blower.....why do I always picture my ex and Frosty the snowman"

   It. There, I said it.

   people who think their state is the only one with crazy weather also think New York is nothing but concrete and buildings...

   I’m not ugly. You’re just not drunk enough.

   I wonder if I'd get kicked out of an AA if I pulled a Jeff Spicoli and ordered a pizza to it.

   When I start my drinks, my di&k does all the thinking..

   as a kid my mom used to tell us kids "i dont want to hear a peep"....i just listened to the easter basket & I dont hear anything

   99% of my wardrobe consists of T shirts. This of course got me to thinking....aren't ALL shirts T's? Anyone out there who doesn't have a bilateral symmetry form and is instead shaped like a "W"?

   im not controlling ....just aggressively helpful !!!!

   For some people its, "Started from the bottom I'm still there"

   There are 3 types of women: Those you cant live without, those you can’t live with and those you live with.

   why you hasselhoffing your stomach in that photo dude!

   A woman asking you to make her feel like the only girl in the world is basically asking you to become a serial killer and murder all the other women in the world.

   Don't quite get it when guys don't understand why a woman feels relieved when she takes her bra off... Let's see them under-wire their bad boys to their hips for a day.

   I got drunk and put Icy Hot on my balls once. Can't recommend it...

   Nothing screams self conceited little b itch like opening a second Facebook account because you have reached maximum number of friends when you are not even a celebrity.

   Been trying to write a romantic poem for hours, but so far all I have is "a55 rocket".

   and the general privates stood at attention......

   If you're reading this "send money"!!!!!!