Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When a man 'fine' he means the battle is over. When a woman says 'fine' she means she is fine with your impending death.

   It is gonna be awkward in the hall today when Jared runs into Sean and asks him what the holocaust Center is.

   Woke up this morning to find mets In 1st place . Then I realized my phone was upside down

   I'll never understand someone from upstate NY bragging about their food. Listen up, Schenectady, you're not NYC, you're Vermont Jr.

   I'm patiently awaiting a Chris Cornell/Chester Bennington mashup.

   Can someone please invent a screen protector for smartphones that doesn't peel up on the corners? Thank you.

   Guess who's not getting anything for father's day....Bruce Jenner

   Just sliced my tongue open by eating ham with a knife because I was too lazy to grab a fork.

   Gnomes Favorite Song: I'm Sexy and I Gnome It.

   Immigrants can either take Trump's "purity" test, or have the fastest time in the American Ninja obstacle course.

   She said she liked the new guy at work, so I had him fired...!

   Here we go. Everyone on FB is making 911 all about themselves. "Hey, don't forget me!" SMH.

   Just attended a concert headlined by the band Disturbed. Evidently everyone in the mosh pit has been infected with COVID 19 - they're all Down With The Sickness!!!

   My husband keeps tapping on the window saying..."look, it's snowing"....if he keeps it up, I suppose am gonna have to let him in.....!!

   You can only listen to so much Barry Gibb.

   I wonder if Santa will be wearing a mask during his visit to my house this year?

   Every time I try dating I get a new sister.

   The Gluttony scene from Se7en really isn’t torture if you love spaghetti and want to die.

   If you cannot afford GYM membership, you can at least afford a Deodorant!

   I planted a loaf of Ezekiel bread. It grew into a tree filled with cuckoo birds quoting verses from the Old Testament.