Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes when I drink, I start thinking about kids and a family. I might have a drinking problem

   Tetris but one piece is shaped liked you and it doesn't fit anywhere.

   Star Wars (1977) An epic tale of a pair of gay robots teamed up with incestous siblings to help them destry their father's midlife crisis toy.

   You know you have been neglecting your own life when you keep up with the Kardashians, know most celebrities’ birthdays and are up to date on most celebrities’ lives and know all their favourite foods.

   i find it ironic that in "the smurfs 2" the stepdad explains to Neil Patrick Harris' character how he met his mother

   Mike Tyson old and frail enough to let him know the tattoo on his face looks stupid? No? Not yet? Hey Mike you rocked in the Hangover

   I'm not saying your p osts aren't hilarious. I'm just saying that I've seen most of them on little wooden signs hanging in my moms bathroom.

   RuPaul's idea of a "drag race" is totally different than mine.

   They think I have superiority complex; it's because I'm better than them.

   I wish there was a kick under table for people who share their embarrassing photos and staff on Internet.

   Why won't anyone in my trailer watch ET with me????

   Crime doesn't pay folks ...Oh! wait Whitey Bulger lives like Scarface his young life & Now he gets to stay in a nursing home completely free? Prison ...nursing home..>> same thing !

   Research has shown that 20% of your Facebok friends hate your guts and would like to see you die a horrible death.

   Don't forget to set your country back 50 years today!!

   [] <- This is my box. I don't want to think outside it, I like my box! No, you can't touch my box! No touchy my box!

   Black Friday: Because only in America, people trample ovee others for sales exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have.

   I was driving to fast and to furious this morning and had to swerve to miss a tree, only to realize that is was an air-freshner hanging from the rear view mirror

   I ran over a big fat guy in a red outfit last night.

   I've just clicked on my phone's front camera by mistake, Yoh never been this terrified in my life!!!

   Balls - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your girlfriend with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'