Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The best things in life can't be seen or touched. At least that's what this restraining order says.

   Sorry I fake yawned when you started talking.

   How long has it been since you were not fat? - a question you can not ask a job candidate, apparently

   sitting here watching "102 Dalmations" & I wonder if Lady Gaga got her fashion sense from Cruella De Vil

   I’ve never had a safe word, but most of my partners have used distress signals.

   Sex is only 15% of a relationship unless you're not having it. Then its 0%.

   So it seems Serena Williams continues to live inside Maria Sharapova's head rent-free.

   If you watch Jaws Backwards it's really about a shark that keeps throwing people up until they finally open up a beach!

   Damned phone... I keep typing that "I need to get laid" and it keeps autocorrecting to "I need to get lard" and now people are sending me cans of Crisco. :(

   .... I was excited to finally see the light at the end of the tunnel .... till it turned out to be a train coming the other way

   When a man 'fine' he means the battle is over. When a woman says 'fine' she means she is fine with your impending death.

   People make promises all the time. I prefer to just make love.

   If someone could take my phone away from me, that'd be great, thanks

   Vodka would never tell me to put my phone down and see a therapist for my addictions.

   "You promise you didn't get me bees again" [me from a distance] just open it

   Its wierd how acceptable it is to put your genitals in someone else's mouth.

   There is so much caffeine and sugar in my system by 8am, that if I conceived your child at that moment you would have to name it Honey-Boo-Boo.

   Someone taught my Firby to sing Taylor Swift's song "Shake it off", who ever you are...you are pure EVIL.

   I have this tendency of saying stupid things to pretty women, I wonder why?

   If you had a good time, the best time of your life and you don't post it on social media, did it really happen?