Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A Wife says to her Husband "You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back". He says "what do you expect? Your in a wheelchair".

   Anderson Cooper - I had to come clean, I was caught singing "Call Me Maybe" in my car on the way to work!

   I'd speak my mind but that's the only thing from stopping me from puking all over you at this point.

   I couldn't believe it when my missus called me lazy today.And this is coming from someone who has to sit down to have a piss.

   Don't make me laugh it will come out my nose

   I'll wait for you at the finish line, I'm taking a cab.

   This nice policeman has offered to perform a cavity search on me. I didn’t know law enforcement is concerned with our dental hygiene.

   Christmas is a race to seewhich gives out first your money or your feet. 

   The only thing that can spoil my holiday mood right now would be a direct debit order I completely forgot about.

   The cure for over thinking is over drinking.

   You know she is not that into you when she forgets your birthday but remember's birthday's for every member every member of One Direction and their pet dogs.

   Grim reaper; an executioner; a person who wants your fate, position, grades..

   Pam Oliver looks like Oprah.

   Papa johns gonna make a killing either way when all the munches starts setting in!

   Seriously, does it really look like I want to see videos of so many losers on the Face!

   I think I'm going to take my christmas tree down today.

   So if I wasn't mesmerized enough by the leggings you were wearing that you should not have been, you top it off with icing lined lips from who knows what you ate. Well played fellow traveler. Crazy the things you see when you stop for gas and lunch.

   BTW,,,, Pinocchio's family tree is just a maple

   I am pretty excited for the newest season of "The Weather Radio" starring Steven Hawking

   I let a girl go through my phone recently, but then I threw her in my trunk.