Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Like if you remember the cereal called "freakies" ...google if you don't ..gotta love the 70's

   a riddle inside an enigma, wrapped in a warm flour tortilla.

   Most of my longest relationships have been with deep dish pizzas.

   Be careful and take this status update with you.

   just poured a glass

   Even grudges have feelings. They like it when you hold them.

   It might be HOT but at least there's no BREEZE...

   I can tell by your weight you have a really great personality.

   A Wife says to her Husband "You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back". He says "what do you expect? Your in a wheelchair".

   Anderson Cooper - I had to come clean, I was caught singing "Call Me Maybe" in my car on the way to work!

   I'd speak my mind but that's the only thing from stopping me from puking all over you at this point.

   I couldn't believe it when my missus called me lazy today.And this is coming from someone who has to sit down to have a piss.

   Don't make me laugh it will come out my nose

   I'll wait for you at the finish line, I'm taking a cab.

   This nice policeman has offered to perform a cavity search on me. I didn’t know law enforcement is concerned with our dental hygiene.

   Christmas is a race to seewhich gives out first your money or your feet. 

   The only thing that can spoil my holiday mood right now would be a direct debit order I completely forgot about.

   The cure for over thinking is over drinking.

   You know she is not that into you when she forgets your birthday but remember's birthday's for every member every member of One Direction and their pet dogs.

   Grim reaper; an executioner; a person who wants your fate, position, grades..