Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate it when auto spell cant approve any of my spellings

   Nobody knew huh, I was temporary Pope until about an hour ago. . .

   I went to the dentist for a cleaning. After he was done I told him my teeth were still yellow. He said I should wear a brown tie then no one would notice.

   I like a nice boob avi as much as the next dude, but some of you ladies make me feel like you're going poke an eye out.

   When you want to say you've missed them but can't bc it'll restart all the b ullshi t.

   Has someone cleared up what " Live everyday like its your last" actually involved exactly? Need to know today for real lol

   Forget the Mayan end of the world. Y2K is still on,just it was on XP....it's still downloading....

   so I just watched " Limitless" for the 1st time with my girlfriend. She said " Wouldnt it be great if there was a drug that you could accomplish anything and just b a little sick afterwards?"..i was like, there is, its called OPIATES...

   I was nervous coz I was about to meet her family and she told me to just be myself and I sure will miss her.

   The greatest trick Lennay Kekua ever pulled was convincing the world she didn’t exist

   my water bottles are so thin it feels like I grabbed a water balloon with a cap. Hand me that piev

   goes to strip clubs for the wings, used to read playboy for the articles and checks out your pictures because you have great taste in clothes.

   If the stories are true, some guy in my gym could be the next Tour de France winner!

   I don't want to be owned, but I do want to be possessed.

   Single and failing to mingle.

   And now Keith Richards coughs on the Olympic cauldron... snuffing it.. forever.

   i'm into commitments especially if they're not long term.

   my girlfriend says I'm great in bed because I can sleep the whole day.

   would you say I have anger issues if everytime the "Wendy's girl" comes on I have this urge to rip my tv off the wall and throw it out the window and then run outside and set it on fire?

   used to arrive fashionably late to parties until he realized it didn't matter because the party only starts when he arrives.