Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Meteor Shower! Yeah, right NASA. We know better.

   Can you just have a will that says, "It's all hers." because it was anyway.

   Never underestimate the huge power of a sincere smile and a beautiful gun to your face.

   you can learn alot from health Channel news. Just found out teens are now smoking nutmeg spice, potpouri, and incense as a subtitute for weed. Wondering if there's a business opportunity here....

   The more I drink, the more I spill. Secrets, that is.

   I always tell the ladies that the magic happens in the bedroom because their high hopes of sexual fulfillment seem to disappear there.

   wanting to know what you would do for a Klondike Bar?

   I hate it when auto spell cant approve any of my spellings

   Nobody knew huh, I was temporary Pope until about an hour ago. . .

   I went to the dentist for a cleaning. After he was done I told him my teeth were still yellow. He said I should wear a brown tie then no one would notice.

   I like a nice boob avi as much as the next dude, but some of you ladies make me feel like you're going poke an eye out.

   When you want to say you've missed them but can't bc it'll restart all the b ullshi t.

   Has someone cleared up what " Live everyday like its your last" actually involved exactly? Need to know today for real lol

   Forget the Mayan end of the world. Y2K is still on,just it was on XP....it's still downloading....

   so I just watched " Limitless" for the 1st time with my girlfriend. She said " Wouldnt it be great if there was a drug that you could accomplish anything and just b a little sick afterwards?"..i was like, there is, its called OPIATES...

   I was nervous coz I was about to meet her family and she told me to just be myself and I sure will miss her.

   The greatest trick Lennay Kekua ever pulled was convincing the world she didn’t exist

   my water bottles are so thin it feels like I grabbed a water balloon with a cap. Hand me that piev

   goes to strip clubs for the wings, used to read playboy for the articles and checks out your pictures because you have great taste in clothes.

   If the stories are true, some guy in my gym could be the next Tour de France winner!