Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   so I heard last night that women are misdiagnosed more often than men. what they didn't mention was that men are usually misterdiagnoised more often than women

   Great green moon tonight for 420

   Seeing purple rain from his Little Red Corvette

   I was wondering where I can contract this influenza virus so I can get away with stupid sheit.

   Lifetime os filming a new series about the ongoing struggle women have with freezing cold feet. It's a Sockumentary.

   My nipples are so sensitive, they co-wrote "Piece by Piece" by Kelly Clarkson.

   My buddy sent me half a bottle of his Viagra Pills... not for me, but for my car.... every time I fill my car up with gas, I put one in and it makes my gas gauge stay up longer.

   Spider-Man is joining the Marvel Cinematic Universe...he will mate with Black Widow, and then she devours him afterwards.

   I only want to be rich so I can be more carefree about throwing drinks in people's faces.

   My ear buds are in.... yes, you are interrupting me.

   She's all that and a bottle of vodka.

   I need a full body the selfie movement ain't doin it for me lady's

   I never get nervous or embarrassed. That's just some sh*t that sober people who leave the house have to worry about.

   love aint about first sight anymore..it has evolved into endsight,hindsight nd foresight..so dont be short sight..

   Never ignore coincidence. Unless, of course, you’re busy. In which case, always ignore coincidence

   If your dog is the only one excited when you walk in the door from work even though you make 6 figures.......... you have failed conclusively!!!!!

   After watching Final Destination, I now have visions. I won't go into details, but please stay away from revolving doors, and roti.

   With all these numbers opping up, you would think somone would have a bingo by now

   wishing he lived life like Cyde & Ely Shoelace on youtube!!!

   lost it now by the fact that for years guys psyche have been bombarded by the eternal equation.."Girls like Teddy bears"..and now after a lot of efforts over the years when I am near that figure..all of a sudden six pack phenomenon kicks in...Damn you B