Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Spider-Man is joining the Marvel Cinematic Universe...he will mate with Black Widow, and then she devours him afterwards.

   I only want to be rich so I can be more carefree about throwing drinks in people's faces.

   My ear buds are in.... yes, you are interrupting me.

   She's all that and a bottle of vodka.

   I need a full body the selfie movement ain't doin it for me lady's

   I never get nervous or embarrassed. That's just some sh*t that sober people who leave the house have to worry about.

   love aint about first sight anymore..it has evolved into endsight,hindsight nd foresight..so dont be short sight..

   Never ignore coincidence. Unless, of course, you’re busy. In which case, always ignore coincidence

   If your dog is the only one excited when you walk in the door from work even though you make 6 figures.......... you have failed conclusively!!!!!

   After watching Final Destination, I now have visions. I won't go into details, but please stay away from revolving doors, and roti.

   With all these numbers opping up, you would think somone would have a bingo by now

   wishing he lived life like Cyde & Ely Shoelace on youtube!!!

   lost it now by the fact that for years guys psyche have been bombarded by the eternal equation.."Girls like Teddy bears"..and now after a lot of efforts over the years when I am near that figure..all of a sudden six pack phenomenon kicks in...Damn you B

   Meteor Shower! Yeah, right NASA. We know better.

   Can you just have a will that says, "It's all hers." because it was anyway.

   Never underestimate the huge power of a sincere smile and a beautiful gun to your face.

   you can learn alot from health Channel news. Just found out teens are now smoking nutmeg spice, potpouri, and incense as a subtitute for weed. Wondering if there's a business opportunity here....

   The more I drink, the more I spill. Secrets, that is.

   I always tell the ladies that the magic happens in the bedroom because their high hopes of sexual fulfillment seem to disappear there.

   wanting to know what you would do for a Klondike Bar?