Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "1-800-Yankees." - My reply when someone at a store asks me to give them a phone number.

   Always Put This On Your Online Dating Profile: My hobbies include taking LSD and rescuing stray dogs.

   You think the world is conflicted now? Wait until we discover a new inhabitable planet and then try to figure which races and religions to take there.

   I am a male feminist because I have a genetic history of women in my family. As it turns out, my grandmothers and my mother were ALL women.

   2016 Olympics Events: Opening ceremonies-100m Brazilian Wax Free-Style-Zika Pole Vault-Let's Be Difficult And Speak Portuguese While Most other S American Countries Speak Spanish Decathlon-100m Butterfly and Mosquito Swim For Gold.

   Me: I sure do Love watching the Olympic Girls Volleyball Games because they are So Talented. Wife: Yea Right

   Very worried that the Olympics might get rid of fencing back when they got rid of landscaping and freestyle carpentry.

   currently in the county jail trying to explain to the man in uniform that I was playing pokemon, trying to catch a pikachu when he caught me looking in your window.

   The sound of college vending machines is the sound of me never getting the body I want.

   Most people don't realize the phrase "I could eat a horse" came from Dolph Lundgren after he ate every last unicorn in existence.

   I wish my typing skills were as good as the people in the movies.

   Life is like a picnic: there are ants, hornets, bad potato salad, locked public bathrooms when your kid can't hold it, people, spotty cell recep......

   At show-and-tell, it's the kid with the Weebles who gets the raves. You hide your Perry Como album in the desk and tell Mrs. Yee you forgot.

   You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she organizes body parts in her freezer.

   Hate it when the kids can't find their shoes. It really cuts into our time working together to find mommy's keys...and phone...and shoes.

   To this day I can't drink a third cup of coffee without thinking of Jessie Spano and the caffeine pill damage of 1990.

   it just me or are there a whole lot of folks who get that stupid prompt to download the latest apple itunes and quicktime update 5 times a week??

   My stripper name would be "Placebo Effect".

   I went into the bathroom without my phone and now I know all the ingredients of cleaning solutions.

   Sure it's nice to let your kids be independent, but sometimes it's also nice to not have ketchup all over your kitchen.