Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes I wish Tony Stewart would run me over....... #Hangover

   So what if Lesean McCoy tipped a waitress 20 cent. He gives defenses 4 quarters every game.

   I feel MUCH better today. I hate it when I get 24-hour Ebola!

   I just got a copy of Santa's naughty list and it is almost identical to my frields list.

   Next time you are sad remember you can make a cheeseburger with donuts as the bun. Still sad? Add Sprinkles

   if you've been in a relationship more than 5 years and have yet to get engaged, face it, you've been friendzoned by your boy/girlfriend. If the intention was there, it would have happened. If it's right there is no hesitation.

   Hi, I'm Amanda Knox for Olive Garden...if you can't actually visit Italy...

   Dis anybody no how to use gramar or speling on dis sight? wholly flick!

   Due to Tom Brady the Green Bay Packers are no longer the most hated team.

   The cause of the inferno at Jersey Shore has been determiined, Apparently Snookie Kardashian had mistaken rubbing alcohol for sex lube.

   ૅ.ે On a dark desert highway cool wind in my hair Warm smell of a wet fart rising up through the air ૅ.ે

   You can’t claim you eat ass yet skip the first slice of bread. It doesn’t work like that.

   Horse walks into a bar. Barkeep says "Hey. Why the long face?"

   Donald Trump's first name is Rafael Trump. Let that sink in.

   Christian music: 2% thought provoking lyrics about god and life. 98% bad metaphors about god, that seem oddly sexual.

   Why can't you people get it? The protest of not standing for the national anthem will end when you people learn equality and freedom for all races.

   Many women don't know this, but an ugly guy asking you out ISN'T considered sexual harassment. Just saying...

   Trump is an inspiration to me that an unattractive man can get a wife.

   Sometimes, when I haven't had sex for a while, I like to go jogging in flip flops so I remember the sound.

   The Speaker of the House outright left our Hurricane Sandy victims in the sand (no pun intended). So I am writing a strongly worded letter to Congress requesting that every American Dictionary replaces the word "erection" with "Boehner"....