Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   99% fat free

   now available in widescreen.

   If you die in a jihad, you get 70 virgins. Unfortunately, they're all Persian.

   Thanks to A.I seeing a baby with a Mullet and a beard seems perfectly normal these days

   I miss the days when getting tested meant you were sleeping around.

   Let the pain and suffraging begin.

   The only thing I can say about Janis Joplin is that she looks like she smelled bad.

   Why, when you suddenly start coughing your head off, do people say "Are you alright?" Hell no I'm not alright! If I was, I wouldn't be coughing like this. Duh.

   I have not seen anyone mad about the mermaid being black . Except the people that want to people mad ... stopped getting Jussie Smolette its all in your mind

   He had no known links to t errorist organisations? Just being a m ulslim is a known link to t errorism.

   With all of trump's space force talk. Will he soon refer him self as the new rocket man?

   Just a reminder: it reads WE THE PEOPLE. We’re all in this together as HUMANS. Doesn’t mean we own this planet as a religion or race.

   I've been checking the box at the fire department but there's never any babies in it.. Whoever's beating me to it..YOU CAN ONLY TAKE ONE PER VISIT.

   I need to get my life together. I spilled Life cereal all over the counter!

   I just launched a new fragrance ! - a great way to announce a fart

   I won't tell you how long I believed girls peed out of their butts, but it was well past the age where it was considered normal.

   Nobody's perfect ..... My name is nobody

   Just got a new smart phone...but it's RG3 speed is kinda disappointing -It wouldn't stay in my pocket,and now it runs really slow...

   I love the fact that she likes reverse cowgirl cuz I cant stand her face.

   Today's 2nd big idea: Low fructose corn syrup.