Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The year I was voted sexiest man alive by People Magazine was the greatest time in my life. Now? It just gets me beat up in bars

   If Monday had a gender it would be female... they are always a b!tch. If they were easy, it'd be a slut.

   I wish the world were a fly and I was a giant rolled up newspaper.

   When I think back at all the pluses of being Italian, the culture, the music, the cuisine, the women...the one thing that really stands out in my mind after all these years was that I netted more than $50,000.00 at my First Communion.

   If smart phone are so smart then why won't it do my laundry?

   The best part about fighting is the make uo sex? Well, unless that argument involves your parents.

   Dear Jason Aldean. If I wanted to listen to rap I would have turned another station besides Country. Pull your pants so I can't see your underwear and let it go.

   The Lakers and Celtics out of the playoffs, woo hoo! Go bulls!

   GOING TO WIN THE 50 MILLION ON LOTTO-MAX.... AND I'm GONNA BUY FACEBOOK. THEN RETURNING IT BACK TO THE WAY IT USE TO BE..... FUN AND LESS CONFUSING AND ALLOWING ITS USERS TO CUSTOMIZE IT THE WAY THEY WANT IT!!!!!

   Tip to reduce weight: Turn your head to the left now turn it to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.

   Please copy and paste this as your status if you know someone, or have heard of someone who knows someone that may know someone who knows anyone. If you don't know anyone, or even if you've heard of anyone who doesn't know anyone that doesn't know someone

   Me: Hey Boss, I can't come to work today. I'm in mourning. Boss: Oh no, what happened? Me: I killed that p ussy last night.

   Devil: Let’s pee in a bottle. Demon: Then what? Devil: We sell it to humans. Demon: But what will we call it? Devil: Oh I know, Whiskey.

   Beiber Fever is so last year, its time for the GANGNAM STYLE!

   at the polics station. The police caught me & filed a case against me "possession of good looks". I'm doomed! Need someone ugly to bail me out.. so hurry up!!

   happier than Adam Lambert being dragged backwards through a cornfield

   Today, no one wished me a happy birthday. I'm not suprised, today isn't my birthday

   this just in....former President Clinton is in the hospital with heart complications. Guess being a pu$$y hound caught up to him.

   I'm totally gonna teabag the next person that Tebows.

   I hate to admit it, but Trump is no good at being President. He can't do a simple task of uniting the people together.