Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Jason Aldean. If I wanted to listen to rap I would have turned another station besides Country. Pull your pants so I can't see your underwear and let it go.

   The Lakers and Celtics out of the playoffs, woo hoo! Go bulls!

   GOING TO WIN THE 50 MILLION ON LOTTO-MAX.... AND I'm GONNA BUY FACEBOOK. THEN RETURNING IT BACK TO THE WAY IT USE TO BE..... FUN AND LESS CONFUSING AND ALLOWING ITS USERS TO CUSTOMIZE IT THE WAY THEY WANT IT!!!!!

   Tip to reduce weight: Turn your head to the left now turn it to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.

   Please copy and paste this as your status if you know someone, or have heard of someone who knows someone that may know someone who knows anyone. If you don't know anyone, or even if you've heard of anyone who doesn't know anyone that doesn't know someone

   Me: Hey Boss, I can't come to work today. I'm in mourning. Boss: Oh no, what happened? Me: I killed that p ussy last night.

   Devil: Let’s pee in a bottle. Demon: Then what? Devil: We sell it to humans. Demon: But what will we call it? Devil: Oh I know, Whiskey.

   Beiber Fever is so last year, its time for the GANGNAM STYLE!

   at the polics station. The police caught me & filed a case against me "possession of good looks". I'm doomed! Need someone ugly to bail me out.. so hurry up!!

   happier than Adam Lambert being dragged backwards through a cornfield

   Today, no one wished me a happy birthday. I'm not suprised, today isn't my birthday

   this just in....former President Clinton is in the hospital with heart complications. Guess being a pu$$y hound caught up to him.

   I'm totally gonna teabag the next person that Tebows.

   I hate to admit it, but Trump is no good at being President. He can't do a simple task of uniting the people together.

   (_̅_̲̲̲̲̲̅̅̅̅̅̅̅_̅__̅_̅_̅()~~~ passs it!!!

   It's good to meet girl in park, but better to park meat in girl

   All these revelations of sexual harassment, groping etc coming out of Hollywood is horrible...but how is Richard Dawson not being mentioned? That dude used to do it right on TV (Family Feud)!

   Gonorrhea would have been a good name for a diarrhea medicine... #DeepThoughts

   You see in America, Soccer is usually a game for kids who are too small or too untalented to play baseball or football. I mean, hell, even HogWild played Little League baseball so that should tell something about the talent pool of kids left over to play

   Anyone fancy a 68??? It's like a 69 except you go down on me and I owe you one!!