Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Did you here about the elderly couple who lived next to a church? .....They were making love to the rhythm of the church bells..........A fire engine went passed and the old man died of a heart attack.

   Dear Santa, All I want for Christmas is SethMacFarlane and his Evil Genius.....and an Occupy Wall St. Family Guy!

   My boss walks by my desk almost everyday and says, "Wake Up" even though I am clearly awake. So today I replied, "How could anyone sleep with the strong odor of bullsh*t around here anyway, but they always say you can't smell yourself like others can."

   On a scale of 1 to Spongebob how ready are you?

   I don't mean to sound dubstep but boommmm ngeeekkk whoobwobwobwobwob whawhawhaw.

   nothing worst then sitting in the waiting room before a checkup with a woman sitting next to you aggressively discussing her cancer, and it's makes you uncomfortable.

   Like if you have used the reflective apple on the back of your iPhone to check and see if you have a booger hanging out !

   Ive recently been wearing my wifes knickers back to front. Let's see if our lodger still gets turned on by secretly sniffing those bad boys!

   KEEP CALM. There is enough pu$$y in the world for everyone, even for lesbians too.

   Lead me not into temptation... I can find my own damn way

   Random fact of the day, Americans piss out 114,000,000 gallons a day...that's 172 Olympic sized swimming pools of piss being disposed everyday!!!!!

   They have changed the “Cookie Monster” into the “Veggie Monster"..but he still acts retarded.

   in heat. Blame spring and short skirts... time to spray and pray.

   definition of the day: Kia....You mess with my women I kia

   I drank a spike energy drink, let's just say i'm freaking out now, my palms are sweaty, my d**k shrunk, and my mind is like an interstate

   I just bought the NEW Charlie Sheen viewmaster...it flips all by itself..crickets..crickets..

   Setting your stove to 425, and opening the door...not very efficient, but somewhat effective when your furnace isn't working and the fix-it guy can't get there till late morning! Instead of 57 degrees...its now a balmy 60. *Wins

   Drove to work on a donut today.. Other than the glaze being sticky.. It went pretty well..

   In the spirit of Father's Day, my best advice to you: "Keep your "business" in your pants, and always wash your hands".

   I hate when somebody claims they are mad at you but won't tell you why.