Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Like if you have used the reflective apple on the back of your iPhone to check and see if you have a booger hanging out !

   Ive recently been wearing my wifes knickers back to front. Let's see if our lodger still gets turned on by secretly sniffing those bad boys!

   KEEP CALM. There is enough pu$$y in the world for everyone, even for lesbians too.

   Lead me not into temptation... I can find my own damn way

   Random fact of the day, Americans piss out 114,000,000 gallons a day...that's 172 Olympic sized swimming pools of piss being disposed everyday!!!!!

   They have changed the “Cookie Monster” into the “Veggie Monster"..but he still acts retarded.

   in heat. Blame spring and short skirts... time to spray and pray.

   definition of the day: Kia....You mess with my women I kia

   I drank a spike energy drink, let's just say i'm freaking out now, my palms are sweaty, my d**k shrunk, and my mind is like an interstate

   I just bought the NEW Charlie Sheen viewmaster...it flips all by itself..crickets..crickets..

   Setting your stove to 425, and opening the door...not very efficient, but somewhat effective when your furnace isn't working and the fix-it guy can't get there till late morning! Instead of 57 degrees...its now a balmy 60. *Wins

   Drove to work on a donut today.. Other than the glaze being sticky.. It went pretty well..

   In the spirit of Father's Day, my best advice to you: "Keep your "business" in your pants, and always wash your hands".

   I hate when somebody claims they are mad at you but won't tell you why.

   The year I was voted sexiest man alive by People Magazine was the greatest time in my life. Now? It just gets me beat up in bars

   If Monday had a gender it would be female... they are always a b!tch. If they were easy, it'd be a slut.

   I wish the world were a fly and I was a giant rolled up newspaper.

   When I think back at all the pluses of being Italian, the culture, the music, the cuisine, the women...the one thing that really stands out in my mind after all these years was that I netted more than $50,000.00 at my First Communion.

   If smart phone are so smart then why won't it do my laundry?

   The best part about fighting is the make uo sex? Well, unless that argument involves your parents.