Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's all fun and games until your picture is up at all the McDonalds drive thrus in your county. 31

   If police are gonna profile,,, they gonna look for a spade dressed like a gangsta

   My wife isn't a Buffalo Bills fan... but she sure loves choking if ya know what I mean ;)

   Oh, you're a social drinker, I'm an anti-social drinker, nice to never meet you.

   You don't have to agree with me to be my friend. I don't have to agree with you to like you. I like good sensible people and if you are good people with common sense, I like you!

   Yes, I said I love you, but I meant it in the drunk kind of way.

   I dont understand banks. Why do they attach chains to their pens? If I'm trusting you with my money, you should at least trust me with your damn pens!"

   People are quick to blame the devil for everything that goes bad in their lives. Even people who fail an exam they did not adequately prepare for will blame it all on the devil.

   I wonder if George Zimmerman went Back Friday shopping

   I was feeling mischievous and saw snow on my boss's windshield. So I started to draw a p*nis on it until I saw she was sitting behind the steering wheel

   I just seen a chicken cross the road. I'm not even going to question it. It's not like the chicken is going to answer me back. . .

   I hope Apple is coming out with an iCondom because of all the iSex people will be having once the iWatch comes out.

   I am cute as hell, which is incidentally where I came from.

   The new Muppet TV show will be a little more "adult" than previous versions. For instance, they'll actually explain the significance of Gonzo's nose.

   What's it like to be married? Ever just wish that oncoming trailor truck would just cross that yellow line just a little when she's driving alone and not paying attention?

   Some chics place a flower in their hair like they're paying tributes to their dead brain.

   I swear, what is wrong with people? Supporters are burning their MAGA hat's because Trump did the right thing and protected the dreamers? Wow!

   One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister." Santa Clause wrote him back, "OK, send me your mother.

   For $95M we could've had like 5 more episodes of Game of Thrones, and there would be better pyrotechnics.

   Yaaay! Sam Patten has joined Mueller's side. Welcome to the club, Sam!