Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This Ethiopian Athlete can totaly beat Usain Bolt in a sprint race if you put food on the finish line..

   Paula Dean will be on The Today Show on Wednesday to talk about her scandal and she will share her new recipes of food coverings for your foot before you stick it into your mouth.

   TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip? FLAT EARTHER: here we go again

   Wolf meat was on sale at the exotic food store. So I bought a pack.

   Don't forget to turn your clocks ahead tomorrow so we have one less hour of Trump.

   How do you break a mans heart? You can't because they don't have one.

   watched that new gay television soap series called, 'Leave it, it's Beaver!'

   1.You're reading my status. 2.You wanna keep reading. 4. You didn't notice I skipped 3. 5. You're checking. 6. You're smiling.

   Casey Anthony not guilty, Troy Davis being executed...Everybody Hates Chris but Everybody Love Raymond..smh..who says it ain't bout color ?

   Steve Jobs tombstone: iDied

   wearing more make up than a clown

   ;•į <~~ one eye drunk texting face!

   All I can see is : Kenyans are really Good with Marathon.

   now with Hostess going out of business, we wont have any twinkies to eat when the zombie apocalypse happens

   To my wonderful niece; when you tell people I am the "funny uncle" could you please make sure you mention that you mean "ha ha" funny and not "(⊙_⊙)" funny...people are starting to give me the stink eye. :-/

   I asked Janet if she would hand me a cold bottle of water from the frig. she look and said the only thing cold is the Bud. That's ok I said same thing...

   I always wondered how pregnancy tests work, is it pink it's a girl? Blue it's a psycho?

   I hope one day The Rock opens a restaurant so I can finally smell......What the Rock is cooking.

   I cried during that sad emotional part of Titanic, when all the crunchy lobsters drowned, what a great supper they would have made!!

   Earlier today I looked at the car next to me, and I saw the driver texting while driving. How dangerous! I was so shocked I almost dropped my guitar.