Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Facebook must be prepping for upgrade, the new one will suck you in faster than a Hoover vac held by a prisoner who hasn't seen a woman in 20 years!

   The most enjoyable form of the "50 Shades of Grey" is the Braille edition.

   " My life is like a never-ending episode of The Walking Dead where nothing happens but somehow everything is f*cked. " Girlfriend!

   Male Version: Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? Female Version: Why buy the whole pig when you just want a little sausage?

   Male version: why buy the camel when you can get the toe for free?

   More often than not sadly... The three phases of love: 1.XOXO 2. XXX 3.EX

   I put banana peels all around the bedroom to test this "slip and fall on a d*ck" theory.

   You know she loves you when she gets all clumsy when you're near and fumbles with the rape whistle

   Nice try airport, you checked my bag and pockets for weed but you forgot to check my system. Hahahaha

   Happy Hump Day! Hemp. Darn auto correct.

   I like to practice ballet every day because it keeps me on my toes.

   Hot singles in your area are dating each other while you sit alone staring at your phone.

   I may not be that much of an importance to you but atleast I will be there when you need me

   Light beer is like my Uncle James. He sucks too...

   Oh, I would love to stay for your yoga class....but, I think I would rather floss with barbwire or give myself a tattoo.

   The Polar Vortex was caused by my wife's feet.

   Three times when it is OK for a man to cry: At your father's funeral, when a heroic dog dies saving his master, and when Mr. Happy gets caught in your zipper.

   Introduce me to your parents at your own risk.

   I want to be loved like white guys love khaki shorts.

   I wish they made c ondoms for ears so I didn't have to hear so much bullsh*t.