Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Happy bday beyonce the only singer to b almost 30 nd not pregnant

   Life lesson # 1,987- the Time I filled out an app for a job at the day care, and under "related skills" I put - Teaching kids how to make stick ppl out of tampons".. Ya, Mngmnt dont like that!!!! - just saying!!

   I like it when my girl plays the hard to get game with me, and ends up letting me have my way

   come on weekend why your taking so long to come

   going steal your CAPS lock & shift key if you don't stope YELLING...or unfriend you

   Just because you don't have a pool, doesn't mean you can't have a diving board.

   The World Much Easier when APPLE and BLACKBERRY were still a FRUIT..:D

   To make it easy on everyone, here is the correct pronunciation of the Icelandic volcano Eyjafjallajokull: THOR'S BUNGHOLE.

   i was having lunch with a chess champion the other day.I knew he was a champion coz it took him 20 mins to just pass the salt.

   Insanity is hereditary ... you get it from your kids.

   Liquor & poker...or just play cards!!!

   Can I have your phone number, so I can call you the next time I have a 4 hour erection?

   why do some people insist on writing out their check even when the cashier says its electronic withdrawal and they'll get their check back instantly, and theres a long line... waiting??

   thinking Huggies diapers should be brought in as a consultant to the BP leak in the Gulf. If you saw some of the leaks these Huggies have already stopped, then you'd be a believer. LOL

   just received a coupon in the mail: Buy one sock, get one FREE! While socks last

   I did an ancestry search on line of my family heritage? It totally explains why I found a hockey mask and machete under Jason's bed?

   standing in the store's personal hygene section waiting for hot chicks to walk by and as they do I spray them with Axe Body Spray. Glad I didn't $pend any $ on this s**t because the reaction I'm getting is NOTHING like in their commercials!!!

   the guy who put the hole in the ozone layer.

   This Halloween, I'll be handing out those little tiny candy bars. I think they're called bite-me sized.

   If I had a million dollars, I'd buy a brewery, and turn the planet into alcoholics