Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I always wanted to be a comic. Not a stand up act...an actual comic. I wanna slap a blob of Silly Putty on myself and make a copy of me.

   The best thing about me is... I can be one of the guys an also one of the girls too!

   Before his wiener got seared off, Anakin Skywalker was an obsessive Master-Vader.

   Have you even seen an airplane landing without wheels? I never knew legs could kick that fast.

   starting up a dating website exclusively for pyromaniacs. I shall call it "Mymatchbook".

   she may be from Kentucky but she is still one hell of a throat yodleler...

   American Patriotism is not defined as the love of our country to the exclusion of all else, it's the love of a country that's great enough to include everything else!

   the moment when your channel surfing and power rangers pop up and you think to yourself wow I used to watch a group of teenagers in tights beat up people in monster outfits

   remembers the last thing a wise man said to me was "Help! I'm drowning!" I never knew what he meant by that tho... he was so wise.

   in a relationship with Facebook and It's Complicated...

   girls are like phones. we love to be held and talked to but if you press the wrong button u'll be disconnected!!

   a guy always thinks how to break up after getting laid,,

   "Red, yellow, blue, yellow, yellow, red." -The lyrics to "Walk This Way" as performed on Guitar Hero

   I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me -- and I didn't hear it.

   My husband wished me a happy first day this morning (the first day for the next 25 years of marriage). I suggested we go for 50 to torment the children.

   If there isn't a group of stoner college kids with a Summer cleaning business called "High Maintenance" then I'm truly afraid for our next generation of leaders.

   Everyone says I'm short as if it isn't obvious enough, but that just means I'm a smaller, more awesome version of all the normal sized people

   Now completely convinced that Lady-Man GaGa is a dude..

   I think I just hit the wrong button on the TV remote at the hotel. Its one of those 9.99 dollar PPV with some really talented ladies. Hmmm, My boss won't believe I did it by accident. Oh well, might as well at least get my monies worth...

   I live in a house that is on the median strip of the highway. The only thing I don't like about it is I have to leave my driveway doing 60 mph.